Simply Challenged.

What's in a name...

I decided to take a break from all the heavy stuff just to post a bit about something else. I can never stray too far from tying it all back to Jesus. Ha. I guess it's because my identity is all holed up in Him. 

Simply Challenged. I actually came up with the name about 6 or 7 years ago in high school. At the time I was spending a "study break" drawing these highly unproportionate cartoon dogs that had big heads and tiny bodies. To me, they were bizarre representations of the stereotypical sub-cultures of the high school world. They were the visual embodiment of the moody, angst-filled, hormonal teenager. I grouped these characters under the title of a comic set I had intended to create, entitled "Simply Challenged". 

The title was born out of the desire to convey the two points of views of a teenage life: challenging on the inside, among relationships and emotions, and yet simple and shallow from an outsider's perspective. Of course, this was all very theoretical in my mind, and I had never really had any strong intentions to draw this up into a comic at all.

Fast forward to today. This blog was conceived out of a desire to share some of the lessons and experiences God has been teaching me, with the purpose of encouraging others. I wanted to give it a clever name, I always like the clever things. I was tempted to fall back and name it something really indie/hipster-like in an attempt to make it cryptic and "deep". You can imagine names like, "The Lonely Sunrise", "Wooden Tables", "Where I Wander", "Dirty Hands" or "Broken Branches"...I honestly could come up with these for days. 

But that was just it, I could go backwards and use those titles to interpret a meaningful experience in my life and thus make it "deep" and perfect for my blog, or I could do the opposite. I like to work backwards sometimes. I like to create meaningless titles and then breathe meaning into them. Not this time. 

The title of my long forgotten intended comic series came back to mind. I kept thinking it was boring and flat. Then I began to think about how many times I kept facing simple life events but make them into huge challenges. Take it however you will. On the other hand we do face things that are big challenges, and they seem insurmountable to us, but in God's perspective (here comes the Sunday School answer), they really are not as impossible as they appear. The solutions really are "simple" but getting to them is often a challenging process. 

I just gave you a mess of how to interpret why my blog is titled the way it is. I think the interpretation can be up to you too though. Feel free to tell me the meaning you derive from it. 

All in all, the name satisfied my desire to represent my thoughts in a personal and meaningful way, and it held just enough cleverness with the semi-oxymoronic nature of the words. 

I'm really not a clever person. I'm not as clever as I wish I could be, nor as creative as people give me credit for. I just strive to make things beautiful and pleasing in my own way, and we all do that, well most of us anyway. I would say that that broadly defines the spirit of creativity. 

In any case, don't settle for something you aren't pleased with. I never can. Seek to settle for something that satisfies your creative desire, something in which the meaning you strive to represent is represented in the exact way in which you pictured it. 

Doing the Impossible [Part 2]: "I'm in love with a man.."

Now what?

3 months ago I finished school. I was preparing to get out into the world, to get a job, see a different city and meet new people. In my mind that was the plan, tentative, but still the plan. I was really contemplating finish up my time in Ottawa, tying up loose ends and preparing to search for work elsewhere. 

I felt like my faith needed new hurdle, and I was hungry for a challenge. I desperately wanted big spiritual growth.

I think I prayed about it. I'm definitely sure I did because I remember asking God a whole lot for growth and direction. All I got was silence for a few days, but I was waiting patiently, or trying to. 

A few days later, the answer came in the form of a person. Someone who had been burned by community, or the lack of. I felt God stirring the word in my heart. 

Community. 

Over the time that passed in December, He opened my eyes to more people, more lonely and hurting individuals. My plans to move away had unraveled as I felt called to use my "free-time" (which also doubled as job-hunting time) to attempt to connect on a deeper level with people who thirsted for community. 

I could not do this alone. Community is not built out of the power or desire of just one individual. As the time passed, more and more it seemed that the lack of community had long been stirring in the heart of the faithful few who had been consistently praying over the church community at Cedarview. 

There is progress. God is on the move, and He always is. Lately I feel like I've been on the edge of a tidal wave; I've been sensing that God is going to make huge changes at Cedarview and the surrounding community. It's the feeling of being on the cusp of something unfathomable. It starts with me, and it starts with you. 

The Spirit, Community and Love.

Last entry I talked about how I had learned and was still learning about two things:

1. Community & the body of Christ

2. Walking in and according to the Spirit of God

And now I was being mentored specifically in Love. 

Community and the body of Christ does not exist apart from God's Spirit's leading and God's love. There are many other components to community that I'm sure I'll learn about, but for now this is where I am at. 

Love must be God centered and God powered. 

It's true what everyone says: we must choose to love. If we only loved when we felt like it, that would nullify the definition of love altogether. But as I said last time, trying to love people to God's standard is impossible for me to do. I burn out, I get impatient and I get angry when I try and fail. 

You love according to the Spirit of God in you. That's the only way Jesus did it, that's the only way Jesus did anything; he lived life perfectly by and in the Spirit of God: 

“I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me." (John 5:30)

The love that God expects us to give to others cannot not come from within ourselves, it must originate from God: 

"..and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5)

Apart from God we'll find that our efforts fall short, and we will inevitably burn out. It's like pouring out from a limited supply. Service must arise from an overflow of love. Jesus poured himself out for others constantly, serving them. His supply never ran dry, simply because he drew it from God. 

When God's love is poured into us by His Spirit, we become able to love the way He loves others. We must lay down and sacrifice our desires in order to desire Christ above all, and so become devoted to Him and His interests. 

When you're so devoted and in love with someone, you'd do anything for them. The same goes with Jesus. Paul was a prime example of that. He loved and was so devoted to Christ that all he wanted was to love others and lead them to Jesus. He poured out his life in service in order that they might be drawn to Christ. All that Paul ever did attracted people to Jesus and never to himself:

"I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls.." (2 Corinthians 12:15)

“I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some..” (1 Corinthians 9:22). 

The point Paul is making is this: in order to love people to God's fullest standard, we must learn to love Christ first. 

I don't know what I was doing before, but it wasn't true love. I look back and realize I didn't know how to love Christ and in turn I could not love or serve others to the fullest. 

I don't say this to beat down or demean whatever service and ministry I have done in the past. I say all this to understand how the love I thought I was offering still was not good enough, it still wasn't love. Love that God gives to people is so much greater, it is purely sacrificial and selfless to the core. I offered love, but it was still so very tainted. I cannot say I have ever become a doormat for people out of love for Christ, as Paul did. 

Jesus even put aside the weariness of the disciples, in order to love the people in need:

 "When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things." (Mark 6:34)

He knew that their need for God, their need for salvation was greater than any other need, and he loved and gave himself fully for these crowds of people. 

Our community of believers exists by the Spirit's power and leading. It exists as individuals within the community desire Christ above all, and so love each member in order to draw each person to Christ moment by moment. In turn, the community body comes together united in its love for Jesus, to draw others to Himself. 

A heart devoted to Christ is devoted to His interests and His loves: the glory of God and people.

Doing the Impossible [Part 1]: "I can't stand people. What now?"

I don't like people that much. 

Okay, I will admit that I do like some people, but there are a lot of times where I couldn't be bothered with them. I couldn't tell you an exact ratio of how much I like people because it changes from day to day. It can range from 50/50 (like/dislike) to 80/20, 20/80 and at worst, probably 10/90 (never seen that before). Don't get me wrong, I have come a long way by the grace of God, I've learned to love people at a basic level. But as you know, true love shouldn't fluctuate. God's love doesn't, after all. 

Regardless, I have a problem.

It's rather tactless and ungracious to express such things, but I can't help but notice that it's true. I really have a hard time with people many days. Showing grace and loving human beings can often be a trial. Love and grace do not come naturally to me, and do not come naturally to most people. 

As I've started to walk ever closer to God in the past few weeks, I've found this to be a persistent reality: true love is difficult. Loving the creatures God has made, particularly when we're all sinful, is an impossible feat. 

Last Wednesday, I engaged God in another car-cry-pray session as I drove to youth (things like this always seem to happen when I'm driving to the church). To make a long story short, I said rather angry things about people and about where I was at in life, declaring to God that I was tired of it all and I didn't want to be involved in His plan to fix this community etc etc. I just wanted out. I was tired of people. I was tired of the difficulties and stresses they were putting me through, and I just wanted to move away and start over. People here weren't worth it. I'm sure you've all felt like this at some point in your lives. 

I know you may be thinking: "Well you know that kind of thinking is wrong and selfish,  and that's not godly to say at all. People elsewhere will struggle with the same things, you can never get away."

I knew these words were all selfish as I said them. I just needed to relieve the pressure that had been building up. I knew I didn't mean it, and I knew that the Lord knew what was stirring in my heart. After that, these words emerged from my mouth:

"God, why. People tear me to pieces. People wreck me and ruin each other. People will tear you to pieces. Why do you love me? Why do you even bother to love people?" 

He stirred me even more, to which I said:

"You'd have to either be really really stupid, or crazy...or you've got to be God to love people like this, because I can't see how it's even remotely possible to love anyone as awful as us. People are the worst."

In that moment, I came to realize two things: 

1. I saw God as even more amazing. I found His love to be even more supernatural and astounding.
2. I could not ever hope to love people on my own. 

But even as I found number 2, it wasn't a despairing realization. It made me desire to want to rely more on God in order to love fully. His Spirit in me spurs me on to desire Him and desire the hearts of the people He loves.

About 3 months ago God stirred my heart about the broken community in Ottawa and particularly at Cedarview. After I graduated in December, he stifled my desires to move away, in order to call me to stay for His purposes of building community. So far he has been teaching me these things, each building on one another:
1. To teach me to build community and what is the body of Christ?
2. To teach me to walk and live according to His Spirit 
3. And now to love. To learn to love, empowered by His Spirit in me

I speak to this topic because this is now what God is teaching me most specifically this week. How to love people: what does the love of Jesus look like, how did He love people while He was on the earth? What does it take for Jesus to love people? In all this, I hope it acts as an encouragement to you. 

We can and will always work on love, that is a lifelong process. But I know right now is the time where God's working on love specifically in my life. I think today's Utmost entry really helped to confirm that, as well as what I've been reading in Mark:

"When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things." (Mark 6:34)

I've been following Jesus through Mark. As I read about Him feeding the 5000, I realized a lot about His love, but I'll save that for Part 2. 

Happy Monday!

  

Grace So Glorious - The turmoil at Elevation Church

Grace So Glorious - Elevation Worship

This song has been on repeat for me day after day, week after week. When I first listened to it, it left no deep impression on me, but it an impression nonetheless. The melody wasn't anything I found too mind-blowing, but the way the words flowed really left me curious for more. 

I listened to it again. After an hour of listening to other things, I put it on again. It really grew on me. 

The song reminds me of a hymn. It's simple and earnest, and not overly heavy. 

I really do enjoy how Elevation Worship writes songs which, for the majority, center on the character of God. On the other hand, you can have some worship songs that have tendencies to be "man-centered". I find Elevation very refreshing a lot of the time.

The song just paints the picture of the love of God, and the magnitude of grace. 

Other than that, I don't have much to say about this song, as it speaks for itself. There are just songs such as this that make my heart resonate with the words and melody. Songs like this make my heart long and ache to worship and to see the glory of God. 

Enjoy.

*Edit*
In light of the recent blow up about Elevation Church and its pastor Steven Furtick, I still do not take back all I have said about Elevation's worship. 

The church leadership may be distorted and in need of guidance and restoration, however their worship to me stands alone. The music lyrically expresses truth, and proper doctrine. Whatever they use their songs for or how they worship is none of my business nor my concern, so long as the songs, apart from their back story, lead me into worship because they are rooted in truth. 

Much like Paul, as he explained how some preach the gospel out of envy, and strife, and others from goodwill, what does it matter as long as the gospel is preached? (Phil. 1:15). All that to say, that though the intention and motive behind the delivery is flawed, when the gospel itself is preached, in its fullness, that is what matters. We ought not continue to share the gospel out of wrong motivation, but the end point is that God can redeem all things. 

The image and reputation of Elevation Church's pastor has now tainted the worship songs, a shame and unfortunate consequence.

One cannot ignore that Elevation Church is still a part of the body of Christ, misled though they be. As much as people can be in the wrong, they are still in need of grace and guidance. I cannot and will not wish the worst on them, nor can I say "I'm glad I'm not one of them." No one should be left in the darkness to wander.God's leading is to be sought in this situation, and his grace is to be extended. 

Prayer is the primary action in response to this situation that we must now put into practice. 
Who are they to me? They are members of the body of Christ. My church, your church, etc, each make up a chunk of Christ's body, and we need to care for each member. 

Instead of judging and condemning we must act by the leading of the Holy Spirit. I had thought the clear calling would be to healing and disciplining but as a friend so aptly reminded me, God does give us over to our sinful desires when we continue to live in sin and refuse to repent. And also as in 1 Corinthians 5:5, even more drastic discipline must be carried out when sin is allowed to run rampant over and over. 

But in all things, always pray. Always seek God's leading before condemning. 

Why do the wicked prosper? [Part 2]: "It's not you, it's me."

Pray. Read. Meditate. Repeat.

Here is Psalm 73 if you haven't yet read it, or would like to refresh your memory of what it talks about. I'd suggest for one to pray and then read it before continuing on reading here. My little subheading up there is probably a fair template to follow for studying the Word. 

Psalm 73 addresses the question of "Why do the wicked prosper?". And if you have read it and are wondering, "Well, this Psalm didn't really give me an answer as to why. It just told me about a guy who was upset about bad people getting their way, and then he comes to an epiphany that God will bring them to destruction eventually..? errrrr." Perhaps the question is not "Why do the wicked prosper?", but rather something along the lines of: "Is God enough?" and "Is He trustworthy?". 

In answer to those questions, my hope and purpose is to go through Psalm 73 and to break down the attitude of Asaph, where his heart is at, what changes, what the lessons learned are, and what does this whole situation show us about God. 

Asaph's Lament

Psalm 73:12-13 summarizes the initial attitude of Asaph, and most of our attitudes at some point in our lives:

"Behold, these are the wicked;

    always at ease, they increase in riches.

All in vain have I kept my heart clean

    and washed my hands in innocence." (Psalm 73:12-13)

Asaph was an official who served under King David and this Psalm tells us of his observations of the "wicked" around him, who did not follow God and yet still seemed to prosper.  To put it succinctly, Asaph cried: "It's not fair." 

I had thought about this Psalm thinking that it must be a question of the goodness of God, however the first line put that thought to rest.The Psalm begins with a declaration of the goodness of God. Asaph clearly does not doubt that God is good, but he admits to having lost sight of it. 

"Truly God is good to Israel,

    to those who are pure in heart.

 

But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled,

    my steps had nearly slipped.

 

For I was envious of the arrogant

    when I saw the prosperity of the wicked." (Psalm 73:1-3)

Right there is where you can see the problem. Asaph stopped to see how the wicked were doing, the more he saw of their successes and material prosperity the more his feet started to buckle, and the goodness of God was no longer in his line of vision.  

The verses that follow describe what Asaph's attention is on. He is apt at painting this picture of the wicked to us; the words he chooses doubtlessly express his utter disdain and disgust at their undeserved plenty. 

The turning point comes at verse 16:

"But when I thought how to understand this,

    it seemed to me a wearisome task,

 

until I went into the sanctuary of God;

    then I discerned their end." (Psalm 73:16-17)

Worrying about the plenty of these people tired Asaph out. In any situation, worrying at the success and the actions of others is a wearying practice. We were not meant to concern ourselves with the lot of others, we ourselves have enough to think about in our own lives. 

Asaph steps back and decides to enter into worship.  

He changes the scenery, physically but most importantly spiritually. This switches his focus and center from man, to God.

From there on, Asaph remembers that God is sovereign; God knows and determines the end of the wicked. Asaph also looks back on where he has just come from: 

"When my soul was embittered,
    when I was pricked in heart,
 I was brutish and ignorant;
    I was like a beast toward you." (Psalm 73:21-22)

A heart that is not set on God can be a savage thing; it is wild and untamed, coarse and angry. When focus turns away from God and onto others and their course in life, it causes us to revert into something resembling a jealous "beast". Asaph's anger and bitterness was even quite clear while he described the success of the wicked.

Asaph closes off by saying how God is his first desire, the only thing on this earth that he longs for. He declares outright that God is enough for him; God is the fully filling portion for his life. Asaph is satisfied in the Lord.

"My flesh and my heart may fail,

    but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26)

Lessons to be learned

After quickly studying this Psalm, it becomes apparent that while we ask the question "Why do the wicked prosper?", in reality it comes down to a question we must ask ourselves of: "Is God enough?", and "Is He trustworthy?".

Keep your eyes fixed on God

When you fix your eyes on the possessions of others, or start to wonder and concern yourself about their life, you are no longer concerned about the will of God. Your focus is not on God, but rather on another person. When that happens, as was seen with Asaph, we can become bitter, angry and question the fairness of God, instead of being satisfied in Him, and satisfied with where He has put us in this moment. 

Our eyes easily wander to the prosperity of others, wicked or not. We all have a tendency to focus on what other people are up to, and we compare ourselves to them, a very unfair and imbalanced measure. Why is this imbalanced? Because you are not the other person - you are different in absolutely every dimension: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional. 

"When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?You follow me!” (John 21:21-22)

God has a specific purpose for you to complete in the whole grand scheme of His plans and purpose, you are not to be focusing in on what others are doing. "What is that to you" what other people are doing, all you are first responsible for is submitting to Jesus.

My previous entry addressed that aspect to understanding the prosperity of the wicked; simply put, life is not about you.

If you didn't realize that when you accepted Christ into your life, that you signed on to give up all rights to yourself and to your life to a good and loving God, in order that you might fulfill the purpose He has, you'd best to go back and think about things. Christianity is not an easy pill to swallow.  

We do not need to be worrying about others and whether they are prospering or not, we must be concerned about God, and His business first. Jesus was ever only and always about His Father's business (Luke 2:49). This is not to sound as if you should not care about people, of course not, but your focus must not be on them, it must be on God. 

So is God enough for you? Is God's goodness, His purpose for your life, and His love satisfying to you? Or are you too concerned with the possessions and earthly successes of others? When our hearts are set on pursuing God first, His Spirit aligns our desires with His, and we do find utmost satisfaction, joy and peace.

These things are easier said than done, but that cliché line cannot excuse the fact that we have been called to live a life that glorifies God. 

Psalm 73 shows us the goodness of God. It shows us how God fills us and satisfies our deepest desires. Asaph's question of "why do the wicked prosper?" transformed into "Is God enough for me?" "Does God satisfy?", and he had determined his answer to be "yes". He entered into worship, and as soon as his sights were returned to being set on God, he felt satisfied, he was at peace.

The problem is not with God, or with others, but with us. We must be determined, enabled by the Spirit, to set our hearts on God first: "Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33). 

Why Do the Wicked Prosper? [Part 1]: Back to Basics

Christianity doesn't make sense

Flat out, I really don't think it does. 

In the world we live in Christianity comes across as crazy, it sounds like utter nonsense and lunacy. The more I think about it and the more I come to learn and understand about God, the more I think Christians are just nuts. And in this world, we really are. Why believe in a God who asks you to give up everything you want in this life, just because He claims that He loves you? Or that He says He has a great plan, one far better than yours, and He wants you to be a part of it? I think most people really wonder why, and that's not a bad thing. The question is: why give up all of myself and my life for someone I cannot see? Why spend this life on an invisible being? 

The premise of Christianity is that God desires to restore us to Himself, to bring us back into a relationship with Himself. Provided there is a good God who actually made us, for His purposes, we would have resembled something like Christ, if sin had not interfered. Christ came to bridge the rift that was created, paying the penalty for our screw ups, just so we could have a relationship with God. So every struggle and every moment of breath on this planet was meant to give us an opportunity to know God, love Him, and in turn to be transformed more and more into the person we were made to be like, Christ. 

It truly does sound insane. No doubt about that. 

And yet, so many people, myself included, have experienced such change and transformation as a result of this intangible being. If anything, this has come as a result of understanding and experiencing that the love of an invisible God is boundless and is real, and Christ is the tangible being and embodiment of love.

These days we talk about Jesus lightly, and we have allowed ourselves to become underwhelmed at His story and His character. With the thought of "How does the cross of Christ even apply in my daily life?", we become vulnerable to the response that, He is simply not relevant to my situation right now; "Sure Jesus died for me, but that doesn't help the fact that I'm failing at school or I don't have a job and I'm poor, or I don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend and I'm lonely." 

But all these thoughts fall flat in light of the fact that you are loved by a powerful, gentle and understanding God. 

Hahaha okay what. Wishful thinking that "love will save the day!" and all that mushy gushy, happy feelings stuff will make all the pains of this world disappear. 

Pain and suffering, longings and desires do not simply disappear. Suffering was promised and so was pain with their entourage of difficulties, trials and challenges. But all this in light of the fact that:

1. You are loved and known by a trustworthy God - therefore He can and will take care of you. (See Psalm 139)
2. Because He's all-loving, His plans and purposes are actually THAT good. (Romans 8:28)

These are two things each person must wrestle with and discover for themselves. Me telling you this changes nothing, if only to get you to think hard about such things. You understand these things to be true when you spend time getting to know God and experiencing Him. 

Knowledge without love is dead, and love without knowledge (truth) is foolishness. 

Loving anyone means trusting in them. Loving someone happens because you know them.God loves us and He knows us, better than we know ourselves. He says His plans are the ones He knows will serve to make the most of the gift of this life He has given us. There is an element of self-sacrifice that must happen, we must sacrifice our pride. Yet another heavy point to digest. 

The question of why the "wicked" (or people who don't believe in Jesus) prosper and have so much materially, while the Christians have "nothing", came into my thoughts through a discussion I had the other day. To me it's clear the answer, but to others it really isn't. To the Christian struggling with such a picture of "injustice" and "inconsistency" in the character of God, it is a stumbling block. My wondering over how to address such a question led me to Job, and Psalm 73. 

What does this entry have to do with the prosperity of the wicked? I'm sure you can guess, but I'll write more about that later. For now, read up on Psalm 73, and think about this and how it relates to this topic.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man,

    but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." 

Proverbs 19:21 (ESV)

All the single ladies? Keep your hands down, you're blocking the view.

If a single woman sobs in a forest and no one is around to hear her.. 

Does she make a sound? Trick question doofus, there's always someone who hears her, Jesus. And I don't mean to make it sound like blaspheming as in: "Jesus, of course someone will hear her." But actually, God hears. God cares. 

And of course you go:  "Oh Leah, when people read your blog entries (if anyone does at all), they should have a glass of wine on hand because you're sooo CHEESY. STOP." Yes I am. And I love it.

Disclaimer: I won't tell you anything new, or anything you haven't already heard from other "confident, secure and satisfied women-bloggers of God". I suppose this entry isn't just for the single ladies, but for everyone and every heart who desires God. 

Anyways, jokes and unnecessary intros aside, many weeks back I wrote a note on Facebook called "Discontent with Singleness". The title is self-explanatory, but in summary I just talked about my struggle in learning to find my fullest satisfaction in life from and in the one I was meant to find it all along, God. Only God satisfies fully, and completes us, no man and no other thing will do that, simply because we were made by Him and for Him. 

All the ladies know this truth. All the Christian ladies understand that "God is supposed to be your first love!!11!" And some people even like to liken Him to some kind of boyfriend. However, God's place and relationship to us should be, and is more than "Jesus is my Boyfriend". Jesus wants to be your true and first love. So God does not replace our heart's boyfriend-shaped hole, if anything, He is greater than that. 

Today's obligatory "Single ladies listen up" Valentine's day post is brought to you by Revelation. Here it is, about the "Loveless" church of Ephesus:

"Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love." Revelation 2:4

Context: Ephesus was a great church, and it was amazing at rooting out heresy etc etc. But they had lost their first love. Focusing on legalism, they had set love of Christ aside to focus on hunting down those who were in the wrong, essentially. 

What does this have to do with me as single/not-single lady?  Many many things. Because of a love-loss, for their first love, Ephesus' purpose was misaligned and the consequence would have been to have their "lampstand" removed; no longer being called to being a light proclaiming God's glory and gospel. And how can you expect to fulfill God's purpose if you have lost your love for your King? You're off track with God's plans. 

Loving God ought to come first, that is the greatest commandment: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.." (Luke 10:27). Anything less is essentially sin. To love God at all times with all of your being is pretty much impossible, but that is why Christ came. Love for God directs your purpose in life. It reminds you that whatever you had planned, and desired is very little in light of who God is. 

We must realize and remember the purpose for which we were made. Us for God's purpose. God has a plan, and it just so happens you are included. It's not a plan for your life specifically (that comes as a result of your entering into His will), but His plan for His purposes, which he has told us are Good. 

I'd say for a while that I was not thinking consciously about my love for God. I wasn't sure how to keep track of it or how to make sure I was "in love with God." Over the course of the last 3-4 months, I had gotten off track with God and was not devoting time to him, but trying to actively seek out relationships to fill the gap. I did this in order to divert my lonely heart and occupy my hunger for interaction. I knew "only God satisfies ;D", but I was unwilling to bend. I had a few revelations in between and the dissatisfaction with every conversation or empty moment that was not spent with God was very much noticed. 

With much wrestling and perseverance, mornings spent crying and praying, I recovered and had come to learn many things by God's grace and patience.

I remember sitting in my car, driving to Jr. High and sobbing because I was a single lady with no prospects, and all I wanted was to not be single any more. As I cry-prayed about my fears and desires, I heard God speak the simplest words to me: "Am I not enough?" 

Good question God. I asked myself this as I kept driving. "Of course you're enough, Lord..totally..I think?" To be honest, I had no idea. First of all, what does that really mean? And what does that even look like? I asked Him that. When you really don't know what seemingly simple words like "Am I enough" mean or entail, ask God. Ask about EVERYTHING. Chances are, you really have no idea. 

Over the time that followed, God showed me and gave me reminders of what I was made for; I was reminded of my first love. When I decided to follow Jesus, he really did expect and call me to abandon my desires, not to turn back and just strain ahead. And I discovered that His love for me, and my growing love for Him satisfied me, day by day. I was actually joyful again. Knowing and trusting that God has a set plan ought to give us such peace, because nothing you can do will speed it up or change it. Sure there are side paths you can take and they steer you off course, but in the end:

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
    Do not forsake the work of your hands. (Psalm 138:8)

God's plans are set in motion, and are crazy amazing. In all of this, I am still learning about how God is enough, how His plans are enough. But I know that the love of God satisfies me. 

Don't get me wrong, I struggle. I consider myself a confident woman who is doing her best to pursue God, but I do have bad days. I have days where "I-don't-need-no-man", and ones where I feel the pangs of loneliness very much. That's where cats come in (haw haw). Practice truth and seek to know Jesus, why he did things, how he did things and how he made it through this crazy life.

There's much difference in knowing the truth about God and living it out. Challenge yourself to live it out; struggle, persevere and strive for it. 

Do not let your singleness get you down. It's not the end of the world. If you find yourself worrying more about why you're single and waiting for the next best thing, you'll tire yourself out. And you've lost sight of your first love. This also applies for those who aren't single - do not forsake your first love, and your first purpose on this planet, and do not let anything or anyone else get in the way of it.

Single ladies, remember the purpose for which you were made. When your hand is raised, all you're thinking about is what you wanted to say (ie: your declaration of singleness), instead of what God desires to tell you.

Ask yourself three things after you read this:

1. Who is my first love?
2. For whose purpose was I made?
3. Is God enough for me?

Then watch this and think about the words:

Have a very blessed Valentine's day.

Running on Empty

Morning,

I'll let you know right now that I am a morning person. I really am. I wake up happy. I like to wake up early so I can get the day started as soon as possible, and get things done if there are things to be done. I am also a night owl; I enjoy being up as late as possible even though there is nothing better to do and it is 2 or 3AM. I do enjoy sleep thoroughly, provided I go to bed at a reasonable time (11pm or 12AM). So when I went bed at 2:30AM and my body decided to wake me up at 7:06AM, I can't say that I was thoroughly pleased. I felt like there was still more sleep to be had and enjoyed. 

My attempt to smother myself so I could once again be

in an unconscious state.

I struggled for about 45 minutes trying to fall back asleep, but to no avail. Once I'm awake, I'm usually awake for good, unless I'm particularly exhausted. It occurred to me that there must be some good reason that I woke up this early. I think of it this way: if I wake up after only 5 hours of sleep, not tired, God must have woken me up for something. If it was just to spend time with Him, then I suppose sleep can wait. I'm learning that if there is something God wants to tell you, or if He just wants to spend time with you, then take the time. Never choose to miss out on a moment with God, these tend to be very fleeting in our busy world.

I'm happy waking up to a beautiful morning sky 

anytime. So this sight was a plus.

Currently on my mind

In my mulling this morning, the lessons of yesterday and this week came to my mind. God likes to tie things together in such a strange and interesting way. I've been learning about 1. Loving God, and in order to do this properly 2. Walking by the Spirit of God, and all this through my state of emotional exhaustion from the past 3 months. 

Yesterday, I read Oswald Chamber's devo from My Utmost For His Highest (my all time favorite devo, I grew up with it, and the words grew with me). Chambers talks about Spiritual exhaustion, defining true Spiritual exhaustion being a result of service, and not sin. For me this made sense, however I was mixed up in exhaustion that resulted from both service and idolatry. I was only now learning to derive any ability to thrive through focusing on loving God. I saw Jesus do it as I read Mark 1. He walked in step with the Spirit and went right into ministry, healing people, maybe even teaching, for a whole day. I can't even imagine dealing with people for a whole day and expending so much energy and time to minister to them. It sounds utterly exhausting. Then this is what Jesus did next:

"And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed." (Mark 1:35)

Taking the time to recharge, and to prepare for the day's work in His Father's presence. Chambers essentially wrote that it is fine to be spiritually exhausted, in fact, it is a guarantee to get spiritually exhausted. Until other people learn to obtain their nourishment from God, they will inevitable need you or I to be their "source" to supply their needs.The question is where our source is, where do we derive our spiritual supply from? Our source must come from Christ, it must be founded in the truth and hope of who He is. We must be fueled by the love of Christ. 

Knowing that you'll be inevitably be exhausted as result of ministry gives us no excuse to complain about our exhaustion - it is extremely tempting to do so. Goodness knows I've done it that this past week. The attitude of complaining is simply the complete opposite of how we were called to be: "rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4). Rejoice in the glorious purpose you are fulfilling and have been called to fulfill; rejoice that God is glorified in your obedience. 

If anything, let your spiritual exhaustion be an indicator to you that you're heading in the right direction. Just don't let yourself get burnt out. It's never a good idea to overdo things, and walking according to the Spirit's leading ensures that we never bite off more than we can chew. 

 We are very much in danger of complaining about being exhausted and burning out if:

1. We do not draw from the right source 
2. We do not refuel. 

As I have been discovering, walking according to God's Spirit's leading, seeking to know Him, and as a result, loving Him, it really makes us thrive. Spending time to just get to know Jesus, and how He did things, it quenches our souls. 

Striving, Thriving and True Love

The Intro

I don't know that attempting to start a blog is any form of good idea at all, but seeing as I am currently unemployed and have nothing better to do with my time, I figured I might as well spew out my daily thoughts, musings and unfinished sketches, sending them out as sheep to the wolves of the internet. 

I did have a blog once, an art blog, but because I never had the discipline to update it, it obviously fell by the wayside. This is somewhat heartbreaking, as I tend to emotionally attach myself to things quite easily. 

All things aside, whether anyone ends up reading my thoughts or not, it doesn't matter. At least I get to practice my writing skills and make some interesting ponderings public? I don't know that I'd count the latter as a benefit, but I guess only time will tell. 

Today's Thoughts

I follow life the way everyone does. I experience the highs and the lows, I eat, sleep, do (or rather did) school and now I'm unemployed. My world really isn't all that exciting, but I'd say the one thing keeping it alive and thriving is Christ. 

I've been going through a rough past 2 or 3 months. In that span of time I finished my Master's degree in Human Kinetics (Sport Psych), but also left my relationship with God, much like my former art blog, unattended. This is not to say that my beliefs faded, or that I became some kind of wild heathen child, but I did not invest or devote much time to knowing God, or seeking Him. In all my wanderings and lack of effort to this relationship, God never let me be; He still grew me, He still gave me knowledge and wisdom, but of course I had become quite rough around the edges. 

It's only now, after riding the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, facing the hard times of waking up and not wanting to face the world (with all the junk and the idolatry of relationships that was going on in my heart), I had finally had enough. I wanted to get better, to heal from the idolatry and inner brokenness, and to get my life back on track with God. 

Striving. 

All the ministries I was involved in had begun to tire me out. I was feeling burnt out and emotionally exhausted. I was starting to reprioritize, but it still wasn't enough to bring me back to life. I knew that God was the only one who could ever satisfy my life, and yet I was still struggling to survive, and to get my relationship with Him back on its legs. 

I woke up one morning, and opened my Bible up to Philippians, and absorbed Paul's words, and God's truth, like a sponge. I had been thirsty for God's goodness and truth, and that hunger was finally being satisfied, after having wandered in the desert for months. 

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." Phil. 3:7-11 (ESV)

That passage basically speaks for itself. Paul was thriving, not just striving all the time and exhausting his energy. In the highs and lows of his life, he knew the end goal - know God, love God, at all costs. This attitude and understanding was only possible by the Holy Spirit. To live a life pleasing to God is surely impossible, unless you know God, and only the Spirit knows God fully. 

Thriving and true love.
I had been so focused on getting better, on healing, and looking forward to the better things to come in life, that I was exhausting myself. I still had not gotten the point, until I was sent a good reminder. God speaking through a friend, boiled it all down to the simplest thing: just focus on loving God. That is our first goal as Christians, love God. Sure, there are many other aspects to Christian living that need to be sorted out, but in my understanding, if you seek to know God and to love Him first, everything else will fall in line. Healing will come, and the good will come, as we seek to love God. No one should have to strive to heal, or to recover from injury. 

Knowing that changes the way I read my Bible, I seek to know Jesus and to see everything He is and how He lived. This all powered by the Spirit of God in me. The Love of God makes us thrive.