I don't like people that much.
Okay, I will admit that I do like some people, but there are a lot of times where I couldn't be bothered with them. I couldn't tell you an exact ratio of how much I like people because it changes from day to day. It can range from 50/50 (like/dislike) to 80/20, 20/80 and at worst, probably 10/90 (never seen that before). Don't get me wrong, I have come a long way by the grace of God, I've learned to love people at a basic level. But as you know, true love shouldn't fluctuate. God's love doesn't, after all.
Regardless, I have a problem.
It's rather tactless and ungracious to express such things, but I can't help but notice that it's true. I really have a hard time with people many days. Showing grace and loving human beings can often be a trial. Love and grace do not come naturally to me, and do not come naturally to most people.
As I've started to walk ever closer to God in the past few weeks, I've found this to be a persistent reality: true love is difficult. Loving the creatures God has made, particularly when we're all sinful, is an impossible feat.
Last Wednesday, I engaged God in another car-cry-pray session as I drove to youth (things like this always seem to happen when I'm driving to the church). To make a long story short, I said rather angry things about people and about where I was at in life, declaring to God that I was tired of it all and I didn't want to be involved in His plan to fix this community etc etc. I just wanted out. I was tired of people. I was tired of the difficulties and stresses they were putting me through, and I just wanted to move away and start over. People here weren't worth it. I'm sure you've all felt like this at some point in your lives.
I know you may be thinking: "Well you know that kind of thinking is wrong and selfish, and that's not godly to say at all. People elsewhere will struggle with the same things, you can never get away."
I knew these words were all selfish as I said them. I just needed to relieve the pressure that had been building up. I knew I didn't mean it, and I knew that the Lord knew what was stirring in my heart. After that, these words emerged from my mouth:
"God, why. People tear me to pieces. People wreck me and ruin each other. People will tear you to pieces. Why do you love me? Why do you even bother to love people?"
He stirred me even more, to which I said:
"You'd have to either be really really stupid, or crazy...or you've got to be God to love people like this, because I can't see how it's even remotely possible to love anyone as awful as us. People are the worst."
In that moment, I came to realize two things:
1. I saw God as even more amazing. I found His love to be even more supernatural and astounding.
2. I could not ever hope to love people on my own.
But even as I found number 2, it wasn't a despairing realization. It made me desire to want to rely more on God in order to love fully. His Spirit in me spurs me on to desire Him and desire the hearts of the people He loves.
About 3 months ago God stirred my heart about the broken community in Ottawa and particularly at Cedarview. After I graduated in December, he stifled my desires to move away, in order to call me to stay for His purposes of building community. So far he has been teaching me these things, each building on one another:
1. To teach me to build community and what is the body of Christ?
2. To teach me to walk and live according to His Spirit
3. And now to love. To learn to love, empowered by His Spirit in me
I speak to this topic because this is now what God is teaching me most specifically this week. How to love people: what does the love of Jesus look like, how did He love people while He was on the earth? What does it take for Jesus to love people? In all this, I hope it acts as an encouragement to you.
We can and will always work on love, that is a lifelong process. But I know right now is the time where God's working on love specifically in my life. I think today's Utmost entry really helped to confirm that, as well as what I've been reading in Mark:
Happy Monday!
Regardless, I have a problem.
It's rather tactless and ungracious to express such things, but I can't help but notice that it's true. I really have a hard time with people many days. Showing grace and loving human beings can often be a trial. Love and grace do not come naturally to me, and do not come naturally to most people.
As I've started to walk ever closer to God in the past few weeks, I've found this to be a persistent reality: true love is difficult. Loving the creatures God has made, particularly when we're all sinful, is an impossible feat.
Last Wednesday, I engaged God in another car-cry-pray session as I drove to youth (things like this always seem to happen when I'm driving to the church). To make a long story short, I said rather angry things about people and about where I was at in life, declaring to God that I was tired of it all and I didn't want to be involved in His plan to fix this community etc etc. I just wanted out. I was tired of people. I was tired of the difficulties and stresses they were putting me through, and I just wanted to move away and start over. People here weren't worth it. I'm sure you've all felt like this at some point in your lives.
I know you may be thinking: "Well you know that kind of thinking is wrong and selfish, and that's not godly to say at all. People elsewhere will struggle with the same things, you can never get away."
I knew these words were all selfish as I said them. I just needed to relieve the pressure that had been building up. I knew I didn't mean it, and I knew that the Lord knew what was stirring in my heart. After that, these words emerged from my mouth:
"God, why. People tear me to pieces. People wreck me and ruin each other. People will tear you to pieces. Why do you love me? Why do you even bother to love people?"
He stirred me even more, to which I said:
"You'd have to either be really really stupid, or crazy...or you've got to be God to love people like this, because I can't see how it's even remotely possible to love anyone as awful as us. People are the worst."
In that moment, I came to realize two things:
1. I saw God as even more amazing. I found His love to be even more supernatural and astounding.
2. I could not ever hope to love people on my own.
But even as I found number 2, it wasn't a despairing realization. It made me desire to want to rely more on God in order to love fully. His Spirit in me spurs me on to desire Him and desire the hearts of the people He loves.
About 3 months ago God stirred my heart about the broken community in Ottawa and particularly at Cedarview. After I graduated in December, he stifled my desires to move away, in order to call me to stay for His purposes of building community. So far he has been teaching me these things, each building on one another:
1. To teach me to build community and what is the body of Christ?
2. To teach me to walk and live according to His Spirit
3. And now to love. To learn to love, empowered by His Spirit in me
I speak to this topic because this is now what God is teaching me most specifically this week. How to love people: what does the love of Jesus look like, how did He love people while He was on the earth? What does it take for Jesus to love people? In all this, I hope it acts as an encouragement to you.
We can and will always work on love, that is a lifelong process. But I know right now is the time where God's working on love specifically in my life. I think today's Utmost entry really helped to confirm that, as well as what I've been reading in Mark:
"When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things." (Mark 6:34)I've been following Jesus through Mark. As I read about Him feeding the 5000, I realized a lot about His love, but I'll save that for Part 2.
Happy Monday!
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