The best thing in life is free.

I have this idea in my head that people perceive me as "deep" or "wise". I'm not trying to toot my own horn, this is just a perception I pick up from people here and there. In truth, I'm not all that deep, nor am I wise. 

Well, maybe I have wisdom, but not because I know a lot of serious things or perspectives, but because I fear God (most of the time). I say most of the time, because as we all know, I like to do things on my own or think I have some semblance of control over my situation. Those are my dumbest, and obviously least wise moments. 

I feel compelled to write deep things mostly because God tells me these stunning truths through experiences that words could not possibly explain or convey to the full extent. But truth doesn't have to be complicated, and I find that the simplest truths often have the greatest impact. 

Today's one of those simple truth days. 

This is what 5:15AM looks like. 

For the first time in my life on a Thursday night/morning, I had woken up and just could not be bothered to try to fall back asleep. I describe it as being too lazy to want to fall back asleep. And there's also the factor that once I'm up, I'm up. There's a point of no return, and once I reach that point where I'm more conscious than groggy, it's over. 

The time was 4:13AM. How grand. 


I'm in the nature of thinking that every time I go to bed late (1AM-3AM), and miraculously awaken at an early time (8AM), it's God tapping me on the shoulder to set up a morning meet up. And when I consider that, it makes being up earlier much more worthwhile. This helped me enjoy being up at 4AM. I felt rather privileged. 

I grabbed my Bible, and turned to Romans 6. 

"22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:22-23)

Romans 5+ covers every major truth God has been teaching me as of late. But this morning, the coolest thing that I read was in Romans 6:23: God's free gift of eternal life - that eternal restoration.  

The best things in life are free McDonalds...
and the Spirit of Christ, of course, forget about
the peace, love and happiness thing. 

The Free gift. It's FREE. 

I'm a big fan of free things. But there is a point where you start to under appreciate things sometimes because you get a lot of freebies, and I feel like I've missed appreciating this free gift.  

Salvation is a free gift that God very much desires to bestow upon us. We have not earned a right to a relationship with God, and yet, He gives it freely through Jesus Christ. All we have to do is receive it - to want it, and to take it.

I don't know about you, but it blows my mind to think that the God of the universe would offer to you and I a chance to enter into relationship with Him, offered to us freely. No holding back, no limits. 

This free gift is also described as the "free gift of righteousness" - right standing-ness before God, which leads to eternal life, through Jesus (Romans 5:21) - eternal relationship. 

This I think helps to magnify the immensity of grace, the fact that we are made righteous by Jesus Christ alone. Righteousness is absolutely impossible and unattainable - you can never do enough "good" to please Him, and nothing you ever do will be good enough (Isaiah 64:6, Romans 8:8). And yet other religions will tell you to keep trying and trying to be good enough and do things for God. 

It's nonsense.

If one believes in an all-powerful, perfect deity, how can you ever hope to think that your measly imperfect, un-altruistic efforts and attempts at goodness, could ever make you "clean" enough to even enter into His presence? The truth is penetrating when it says: we cannot do good - we cannot please God in our flesh, apart from the Spirit.

This is why I marvel at the free gift of righteousness - the free gift of being able to have a relationship with God at all. I couldn't hope to be with God, if not for Jesus. It is in Jesus that we are able to reign in this life - to reign over the flesh (Romans 5:17). It is by the Spirit of Christ that we may conquer the flesh and wage war against it (Romans 8:13). And all of it, Grace.

That's the stuff Joy is made of. Joy isn't something you pull out of your arse when you're at your wits end and you keep repeating "The joy of the Lord is my strength," over and over, without getting what it really means. 

No no, Joy is rooted in thankfulness. Joy stems from realizing the immensity of the grace you have been shown. Joy is yours when you see that God is so gracious, and He has given you unmerited righteousness on a silver platter. 

So when you look on the shamefulness of your sin, and come to repentance, you won't just stop there. You'll praise God, and find JOY because you are grateful for what He has done. In your painful trials and tribulations, you'll find Joy is not circumstantial or dependent on feelings, because it is rooted in your thankfulness for the grace upon grace that God shows you. 

Since I've been studying Romans, I think I'll write up the next entries on the topic of Chapters 5-8. Because the heaviness and amount of insane revelation and confirmation that has come from those is too much to put in this entry.

Stay tuned. 

All the single ladies? Keep your hands down, you're blocking the view.

If a single woman sobs in a forest and no one is around to hear her.. 

Does she make a sound? Trick question doofus, there's always someone who hears her, Jesus. And I don't mean to make it sound like blaspheming as in: "Jesus, of course someone will hear her." But actually, God hears. God cares. 

And of course you go:  "Oh Leah, when people read your blog entries (if anyone does at all), they should have a glass of wine on hand because you're sooo CHEESY. STOP." Yes I am. And I love it.

Disclaimer: I won't tell you anything new, or anything you haven't already heard from other "confident, secure and satisfied women-bloggers of God". I suppose this entry isn't just for the single ladies, but for everyone and every heart who desires God. 

Anyways, jokes and unnecessary intros aside, many weeks back I wrote a note on Facebook called "Discontent with Singleness". The title is self-explanatory, but in summary I just talked about my struggle in learning to find my fullest satisfaction in life from and in the one I was meant to find it all along, God. Only God satisfies fully, and completes us, no man and no other thing will do that, simply because we were made by Him and for Him. 

All the ladies know this truth. All the Christian ladies understand that "God is supposed to be your first love!!11!" And some people even like to liken Him to some kind of boyfriend. However, God's place and relationship to us should be, and is more than "Jesus is my Boyfriend". Jesus wants to be your true and first love. So God does not replace our heart's boyfriend-shaped hole, if anything, He is greater than that. 

Today's obligatory "Single ladies listen up" Valentine's day post is brought to you by Revelation. Here it is, about the "Loveless" church of Ephesus:

"Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love." Revelation 2:4

Context: Ephesus was a great church, and it was amazing at rooting out heresy etc etc. But they had lost their first love. Focusing on legalism, they had set love of Christ aside to focus on hunting down those who were in the wrong, essentially. 

What does this have to do with me as single/not-single lady?  Many many things. Because of a love-loss, for their first love, Ephesus' purpose was misaligned and the consequence would have been to have their "lampstand" removed; no longer being called to being a light proclaiming God's glory and gospel. And how can you expect to fulfill God's purpose if you have lost your love for your King? You're off track with God's plans. 

Loving God ought to come first, that is the greatest commandment: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.." (Luke 10:27). Anything less is essentially sin. To love God at all times with all of your being is pretty much impossible, but that is why Christ came. Love for God directs your purpose in life. It reminds you that whatever you had planned, and desired is very little in light of who God is. 

We must realize and remember the purpose for which we were made. Us for God's purpose. God has a plan, and it just so happens you are included. It's not a plan for your life specifically (that comes as a result of your entering into His will), but His plan for His purposes, which he has told us are Good. 

I'd say for a while that I was not thinking consciously about my love for God. I wasn't sure how to keep track of it or how to make sure I was "in love with God." Over the course of the last 3-4 months, I had gotten off track with God and was not devoting time to him, but trying to actively seek out relationships to fill the gap. I did this in order to divert my lonely heart and occupy my hunger for interaction. I knew "only God satisfies ;D", but I was unwilling to bend. I had a few revelations in between and the dissatisfaction with every conversation or empty moment that was not spent with God was very much noticed. 

With much wrestling and perseverance, mornings spent crying and praying, I recovered and had come to learn many things by God's grace and patience.

I remember sitting in my car, driving to Jr. High and sobbing because I was a single lady with no prospects, and all I wanted was to not be single any more. As I cry-prayed about my fears and desires, I heard God speak the simplest words to me: "Am I not enough?" 

Good question God. I asked myself this as I kept driving. "Of course you're enough, Lord..totally..I think?" To be honest, I had no idea. First of all, what does that really mean? And what does that even look like? I asked Him that. When you really don't know what seemingly simple words like "Am I enough" mean or entail, ask God. Ask about EVERYTHING. Chances are, you really have no idea. 

Over the time that followed, God showed me and gave me reminders of what I was made for; I was reminded of my first love. When I decided to follow Jesus, he really did expect and call me to abandon my desires, not to turn back and just strain ahead. And I discovered that His love for me, and my growing love for Him satisfied me, day by day. I was actually joyful again. Knowing and trusting that God has a set plan ought to give us such peace, because nothing you can do will speed it up or change it. Sure there are side paths you can take and they steer you off course, but in the end:

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
    Do not forsake the work of your hands. (Psalm 138:8)

God's plans are set in motion, and are crazy amazing. In all of this, I am still learning about how God is enough, how His plans are enough. But I know that the love of God satisfies me. 

Don't get me wrong, I struggle. I consider myself a confident woman who is doing her best to pursue God, but I do have bad days. I have days where "I-don't-need-no-man", and ones where I feel the pangs of loneliness very much. That's where cats come in (haw haw). Practice truth and seek to know Jesus, why he did things, how he did things and how he made it through this crazy life.

There's much difference in knowing the truth about God and living it out. Challenge yourself to live it out; struggle, persevere and strive for it. 

Do not let your singleness get you down. It's not the end of the world. If you find yourself worrying more about why you're single and waiting for the next best thing, you'll tire yourself out. And you've lost sight of your first love. This also applies for those who aren't single - do not forsake your first love, and your first purpose on this planet, and do not let anything or anyone else get in the way of it.

Single ladies, remember the purpose for which you were made. When your hand is raised, all you're thinking about is what you wanted to say (ie: your declaration of singleness), instead of what God desires to tell you.

Ask yourself three things after you read this:

1. Who is my first love?
2. For whose purpose was I made?
3. Is God enough for me?

Then watch this and think about the words:

Have a very blessed Valentine's day.

Running on Empty

Morning,

I'll let you know right now that I am a morning person. I really am. I wake up happy. I like to wake up early so I can get the day started as soon as possible, and get things done if there are things to be done. I am also a night owl; I enjoy being up as late as possible even though there is nothing better to do and it is 2 or 3AM. I do enjoy sleep thoroughly, provided I go to bed at a reasonable time (11pm or 12AM). So when I went bed at 2:30AM and my body decided to wake me up at 7:06AM, I can't say that I was thoroughly pleased. I felt like there was still more sleep to be had and enjoyed. 

My attempt to smother myself so I could once again be

in an unconscious state.

I struggled for about 45 minutes trying to fall back asleep, but to no avail. Once I'm awake, I'm usually awake for good, unless I'm particularly exhausted. It occurred to me that there must be some good reason that I woke up this early. I think of it this way: if I wake up after only 5 hours of sleep, not tired, God must have woken me up for something. If it was just to spend time with Him, then I suppose sleep can wait. I'm learning that if there is something God wants to tell you, or if He just wants to spend time with you, then take the time. Never choose to miss out on a moment with God, these tend to be very fleeting in our busy world.

I'm happy waking up to a beautiful morning sky 

anytime. So this sight was a plus.

Currently on my mind

In my mulling this morning, the lessons of yesterday and this week came to my mind. God likes to tie things together in such a strange and interesting way. I've been learning about 1. Loving God, and in order to do this properly 2. Walking by the Spirit of God, and all this through my state of emotional exhaustion from the past 3 months. 

Yesterday, I read Oswald Chamber's devo from My Utmost For His Highest (my all time favorite devo, I grew up with it, and the words grew with me). Chambers talks about Spiritual exhaustion, defining true Spiritual exhaustion being a result of service, and not sin. For me this made sense, however I was mixed up in exhaustion that resulted from both service and idolatry. I was only now learning to derive any ability to thrive through focusing on loving God. I saw Jesus do it as I read Mark 1. He walked in step with the Spirit and went right into ministry, healing people, maybe even teaching, for a whole day. I can't even imagine dealing with people for a whole day and expending so much energy and time to minister to them. It sounds utterly exhausting. Then this is what Jesus did next:

"And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed." (Mark 1:35)

Taking the time to recharge, and to prepare for the day's work in His Father's presence. Chambers essentially wrote that it is fine to be spiritually exhausted, in fact, it is a guarantee to get spiritually exhausted. Until other people learn to obtain their nourishment from God, they will inevitable need you or I to be their "source" to supply their needs.The question is where our source is, where do we derive our spiritual supply from? Our source must come from Christ, it must be founded in the truth and hope of who He is. We must be fueled by the love of Christ. 

Knowing that you'll be inevitably be exhausted as result of ministry gives us no excuse to complain about our exhaustion - it is extremely tempting to do so. Goodness knows I've done it that this past week. The attitude of complaining is simply the complete opposite of how we were called to be: "rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4). Rejoice in the glorious purpose you are fulfilling and have been called to fulfill; rejoice that God is glorified in your obedience. 

If anything, let your spiritual exhaustion be an indicator to you that you're heading in the right direction. Just don't let yourself get burnt out. It's never a good idea to overdo things, and walking according to the Spirit's leading ensures that we never bite off more than we can chew. 

 We are very much in danger of complaining about being exhausted and burning out if:

1. We do not draw from the right source 
2. We do not refuel. 

As I have been discovering, walking according to God's Spirit's leading, seeking to know Him, and as a result, loving Him, it really makes us thrive. Spending time to just get to know Jesus, and how He did things, it quenches our souls.