Shine.

The world is a dark place. 

It always has been, and it continues to be so. This is why people cling to "good" moments when they see good deeds happen. We actively publicize "random acts of kindness" we encounter in our daily lives, and always seek to give credit to those who still have some semblance of decency and humanity in them. 

We cannot get enough of the small nuggets of goodness we encounter, as we try and try to blot out the glaring evil that seems to overwhelm us, that appears to sustain longer than any good deed ever could. 

Christians have been named the light of the world. It is in us now to shine light. We too were once a "people walking in darkness," (Isaiah 9:2) but now that we have encountered "the great light," who is Christ, we have been given that light to shine before the world. We have been given hope to shine before men. 

"12 Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”" (John 8:12)

14 “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that[a] they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 5:14-16) 

What is the light? That light is Christ - the living word of God in human form. The truth. Jesus Christ is truth. He is the promise of holiness; the promise of reconciliation, salvation and eternal life - that is, to know God and enjoy Him forever. 

We have been given truth, and truth abides in us, if we abide in Christ and establish ourselves in it continually. With truth comes responsibility. 

"God didn't make us Christians for kicks." my friend expressed to me yesterday. We have a responsibility to let our light shine, that people may see our good deeds and be witness to the goodness and character of God.

And these "good deeds" are not "good" as the world defines them. These good deeds, as I know them, I will define as acts carried out in obedience to the will of God. That is the standard of goodness, God's will. For nothing we do apart from Him can ever be truly "good", for the standard is remarkably and unattainably high. 

The truth that Christians shine is the hope that in Christ we may be reconciled to God. We are able to be clothed in His righteousness, whereas before we could not even hope to come before a perfect God. God so loves, and so He made a way. 

Suffering and pain, trials and loss are the real things of this life and this world. But Christians hold the view that this life is not the be all and end all. We hold that we do not go to dust, and life is not some purposeless, meaningless body of years in which the standard for living is "my personal happiness level". The trials and painful tribulations of this world only serve to shape us to be like Christ, and to draw us close to the one who made us, and loves us. A life with God at the end of it all truly makes it so that life's troubles and pains were not in vain. 

The purpose of living for a Christian is to be in that reconciled relationship with God. It is to live life by the Spirit of God, in holiness and righteousness, not for the sake of being better than anyone else, or for any personal gain, but simply because of a love for God and a desire for Him.

Christians have the responsibility to live out this light - to extend this truth, by living lives that exemplify Jesus Christ in them, by living in obedience. 

We are ambassadors of hope. The fact of the matter is that the truth in us is exceedingly bright in contrast to the hopeless of the world around us, so let it shine out.

Taking a breath.

It feels like I've been walking through a thorn bush lately. Not literally, because that would be awful. I've been getting pricked and annoyed by a lot of things, but it hasn't just been annoyance. There's been anger, paranoia, sadness, loneliness, jealousy and the like. I've been plagued by scenarios that just seem to get at me and challenge me spiritually. It's not that everything has become a spiritual challenge or battle, they always have been, I've just finally started seeing them more as training grounds. 

I sat around wallowing. Something happened, yet again, to set me off on a self-reflection tangent. No details necessary. The most important thing was knowing that while I was reflecting, I knew I had a choice. I could weep over the circumstance, do something stupid, text my friends all my woes, let myself get over-emotional and explode in hurt and feels, OR fall into gracious arms, express my emotions on a level head to an ever-waiting God, who has all the grace and patience in the world to help me understand the situation, and grow. 

I was inclined to chose the latter, and I did. Trust me, the first option is always extremely tempting, but also not exactly good for me and my spiritual growth (it basically equates to throwing a tantrum). I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, took a breath, and with tears rolling down the corners of my eyes, I prayed. I put on "Everything" by Tim Hughes, because in that moment, that song was all I could think about. I let the lyrics become my prayer. It was all I honestly wanted to say, and all I could bear to muster. 

As the chorus rang out with, "Christ in me, the hope of glory," that was all I wanted to want. I have been chasing a lot of everything and have become tired and weary. But all this time, I've known that my rest lies with Christ. I had been finishing Philippians, and just in this moment decided to keep reading into Colossians. I came to Colossians 1:27:

"27 To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

I thought to myself how fitting this was that I should hear the song, then be led to this. God gave me a moment to reflect on how blessed I have been in being given an opportunity to know Him. I had a moment now to be real with Christ. Before going to the phone (and texting my friends), going to the throne. 

In my pain, Christ in me, the hope of something greater than this earth, keeps me sane. Christ in me the hope of glory keeps me from falling off the deep end, by reminding me that He is greater, and He must become greater in me. A mystery has been revealed to me, that I did not earn, a great privilege and grace - Christ. 

Whenever you face the crap of life, take a moment to breathe, stop, and use the time to get personal with Jesus. Instead of worshipping your emotions, worship God. Those moments either become emotional tantrums, or opportunities for great growth and maturity. 

The Response

Last entry I voiced my fears, fears of future pain and suffering, concluding that this arose as a result of my eyes looking to "the right and the left" (Proverbs 4:27). I left that entry asking myself essentially, what my confidence in God was like, where was I placing my faith? Did I really trust in His love for me and His goodness? 

Coming into Saturday night, the topic of the service was about courage. The discussion revolved around living a life filled by the Spirit, and acting in courage as the Spirit enables and leads us. It didn't hit me until now that God was continuing the conversation about my fears and He was trying to teach me the perspective I needed to fully adopt:

God is good and He is faithful. Even though I may not want to endure suffering, I know He treasures me, and seeks only to give and to work in me the best. 

This isn't news to me, but it's definitely something that I've found takes practice upon practice to grasp (much like anything else that involves faith). I feel like I have the memory of a goldfish when it comes to these things. 

In all my suffering, and all my sadness, when I question whether or not it's worth it to believe and obey God when I fear for the future, He is faithful. He is patient. He gently redirects my straying gaze back onto Himself, settles my fears, and we continue on walking together. In the moments where my fears abounded, where I doubted if God was worth it, it never phased Him. These moments of weakness do not shock the Lord or surprise Him. 

In the case of my story, he settled the dust and then spoke gently. He didn't come in a huff to prove Himself to me, He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, He is God, after all. Instead, all He did was come along side me and revealed to me His glory. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Eyes that are fixed on Jesus and the end goal, instead of the hurdles along the way, remember His power, goodness and faithfulness. 

All the single ladies? Keep your hands down, you're blocking the view.

If a single woman sobs in a forest and no one is around to hear her.. 

Does she make a sound? Trick question doofus, there's always someone who hears her, Jesus. And I don't mean to make it sound like blaspheming as in: "Jesus, of course someone will hear her." But actually, God hears. God cares. 

And of course you go:  "Oh Leah, when people read your blog entries (if anyone does at all), they should have a glass of wine on hand because you're sooo CHEESY. STOP." Yes I am. And I love it.

Disclaimer: I won't tell you anything new, or anything you haven't already heard from other "confident, secure and satisfied women-bloggers of God". I suppose this entry isn't just for the single ladies, but for everyone and every heart who desires God. 

Anyways, jokes and unnecessary intros aside, many weeks back I wrote a note on Facebook called "Discontent with Singleness". The title is self-explanatory, but in summary I just talked about my struggle in learning to find my fullest satisfaction in life from and in the one I was meant to find it all along, God. Only God satisfies fully, and completes us, no man and no other thing will do that, simply because we were made by Him and for Him. 

All the ladies know this truth. All the Christian ladies understand that "God is supposed to be your first love!!11!" And some people even like to liken Him to some kind of boyfriend. However, God's place and relationship to us should be, and is more than "Jesus is my Boyfriend". Jesus wants to be your true and first love. So God does not replace our heart's boyfriend-shaped hole, if anything, He is greater than that. 

Today's obligatory "Single ladies listen up" Valentine's day post is brought to you by Revelation. Here it is, about the "Loveless" church of Ephesus:

"Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love." Revelation 2:4

Context: Ephesus was a great church, and it was amazing at rooting out heresy etc etc. But they had lost their first love. Focusing on legalism, they had set love of Christ aside to focus on hunting down those who were in the wrong, essentially. 

What does this have to do with me as single/not-single lady?  Many many things. Because of a love-loss, for their first love, Ephesus' purpose was misaligned and the consequence would have been to have their "lampstand" removed; no longer being called to being a light proclaiming God's glory and gospel. And how can you expect to fulfill God's purpose if you have lost your love for your King? You're off track with God's plans. 

Loving God ought to come first, that is the greatest commandment: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.." (Luke 10:27). Anything less is essentially sin. To love God at all times with all of your being is pretty much impossible, but that is why Christ came. Love for God directs your purpose in life. It reminds you that whatever you had planned, and desired is very little in light of who God is. 

We must realize and remember the purpose for which we were made. Us for God's purpose. God has a plan, and it just so happens you are included. It's not a plan for your life specifically (that comes as a result of your entering into His will), but His plan for His purposes, which he has told us are Good. 

I'd say for a while that I was not thinking consciously about my love for God. I wasn't sure how to keep track of it or how to make sure I was "in love with God." Over the course of the last 3-4 months, I had gotten off track with God and was not devoting time to him, but trying to actively seek out relationships to fill the gap. I did this in order to divert my lonely heart and occupy my hunger for interaction. I knew "only God satisfies ;D", but I was unwilling to bend. I had a few revelations in between and the dissatisfaction with every conversation or empty moment that was not spent with God was very much noticed. 

With much wrestling and perseverance, mornings spent crying and praying, I recovered and had come to learn many things by God's grace and patience.

I remember sitting in my car, driving to Jr. High and sobbing because I was a single lady with no prospects, and all I wanted was to not be single any more. As I cry-prayed about my fears and desires, I heard God speak the simplest words to me: "Am I not enough?" 

Good question God. I asked myself this as I kept driving. "Of course you're enough, Lord..totally..I think?" To be honest, I had no idea. First of all, what does that really mean? And what does that even look like? I asked Him that. When you really don't know what seemingly simple words like "Am I enough" mean or entail, ask God. Ask about EVERYTHING. Chances are, you really have no idea. 

Over the time that followed, God showed me and gave me reminders of what I was made for; I was reminded of my first love. When I decided to follow Jesus, he really did expect and call me to abandon my desires, not to turn back and just strain ahead. And I discovered that His love for me, and my growing love for Him satisfied me, day by day. I was actually joyful again. Knowing and trusting that God has a set plan ought to give us such peace, because nothing you can do will speed it up or change it. Sure there are side paths you can take and they steer you off course, but in the end:

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
    your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
    Do not forsake the work of your hands. (Psalm 138:8)

God's plans are set in motion, and are crazy amazing. In all of this, I am still learning about how God is enough, how His plans are enough. But I know that the love of God satisfies me. 

Don't get me wrong, I struggle. I consider myself a confident woman who is doing her best to pursue God, but I do have bad days. I have days where "I-don't-need-no-man", and ones where I feel the pangs of loneliness very much. That's where cats come in (haw haw). Practice truth and seek to know Jesus, why he did things, how he did things and how he made it through this crazy life.

There's much difference in knowing the truth about God and living it out. Challenge yourself to live it out; struggle, persevere and strive for it. 

Do not let your singleness get you down. It's not the end of the world. If you find yourself worrying more about why you're single and waiting for the next best thing, you'll tire yourself out. And you've lost sight of your first love. This also applies for those who aren't single - do not forsake your first love, and your first purpose on this planet, and do not let anything or anyone else get in the way of it.

Single ladies, remember the purpose for which you were made. When your hand is raised, all you're thinking about is what you wanted to say (ie: your declaration of singleness), instead of what God desires to tell you.

Ask yourself three things after you read this:

1. Who is my first love?
2. For whose purpose was I made?
3. Is God enough for me?

Then watch this and think about the words:

Have a very blessed Valentine's day.

Striving, Thriving and True Love

The Intro

I don't know that attempting to start a blog is any form of good idea at all, but seeing as I am currently unemployed and have nothing better to do with my time, I figured I might as well spew out my daily thoughts, musings and unfinished sketches, sending them out as sheep to the wolves of the internet. 

I did have a blog once, an art blog, but because I never had the discipline to update it, it obviously fell by the wayside. This is somewhat heartbreaking, as I tend to emotionally attach myself to things quite easily. 

All things aside, whether anyone ends up reading my thoughts or not, it doesn't matter. At least I get to practice my writing skills and make some interesting ponderings public? I don't know that I'd count the latter as a benefit, but I guess only time will tell. 

Today's Thoughts

I follow life the way everyone does. I experience the highs and the lows, I eat, sleep, do (or rather did) school and now I'm unemployed. My world really isn't all that exciting, but I'd say the one thing keeping it alive and thriving is Christ. 

I've been going through a rough past 2 or 3 months. In that span of time I finished my Master's degree in Human Kinetics (Sport Psych), but also left my relationship with God, much like my former art blog, unattended. This is not to say that my beliefs faded, or that I became some kind of wild heathen child, but I did not invest or devote much time to knowing God, or seeking Him. In all my wanderings and lack of effort to this relationship, God never let me be; He still grew me, He still gave me knowledge and wisdom, but of course I had become quite rough around the edges. 

It's only now, after riding the emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, facing the hard times of waking up and not wanting to face the world (with all the junk and the idolatry of relationships that was going on in my heart), I had finally had enough. I wanted to get better, to heal from the idolatry and inner brokenness, and to get my life back on track with God. 

Striving. 

All the ministries I was involved in had begun to tire me out. I was feeling burnt out and emotionally exhausted. I was starting to reprioritize, but it still wasn't enough to bring me back to life. I knew that God was the only one who could ever satisfy my life, and yet I was still struggling to survive, and to get my relationship with Him back on its legs. 

I woke up one morning, and opened my Bible up to Philippians, and absorbed Paul's words, and God's truth, like a sponge. I had been thirsty for God's goodness and truth, and that hunger was finally being satisfied, after having wandered in the desert for months. 

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." Phil. 3:7-11 (ESV)

That passage basically speaks for itself. Paul was thriving, not just striving all the time and exhausting his energy. In the highs and lows of his life, he knew the end goal - know God, love God, at all costs. This attitude and understanding was only possible by the Holy Spirit. To live a life pleasing to God is surely impossible, unless you know God, and only the Spirit knows God fully. 

Thriving and true love.
I had been so focused on getting better, on healing, and looking forward to the better things to come in life, that I was exhausting myself. I still had not gotten the point, until I was sent a good reminder. God speaking through a friend, boiled it all down to the simplest thing: just focus on loving God. That is our first goal as Christians, love God. Sure, there are many other aspects to Christian living that need to be sorted out, but in my understanding, if you seek to know God and to love Him first, everything else will fall in line. Healing will come, and the good will come, as we seek to love God. No one should have to strive to heal, or to recover from injury. 

Knowing that changes the way I read my Bible, I seek to know Jesus and to see everything He is and how He lived. This all powered by the Spirit of God in me. The Love of God makes us thrive.