Taking a breath.

It feels like I've been walking through a thorn bush lately. Not literally, because that would be awful. I've been getting pricked and annoyed by a lot of things, but it hasn't just been annoyance. There's been anger, paranoia, sadness, loneliness, jealousy and the like. I've been plagued by scenarios that just seem to get at me and challenge me spiritually. It's not that everything has become a spiritual challenge or battle, they always have been, I've just finally started seeing them more as training grounds. 

I sat around wallowing. Something happened, yet again, to set me off on a self-reflection tangent. No details necessary. The most important thing was knowing that while I was reflecting, I knew I had a choice. I could weep over the circumstance, do something stupid, text my friends all my woes, let myself get over-emotional and explode in hurt and feels, OR fall into gracious arms, express my emotions on a level head to an ever-waiting God, who has all the grace and patience in the world to help me understand the situation, and grow. 

I was inclined to chose the latter, and I did. Trust me, the first option is always extremely tempting, but also not exactly good for me and my spiritual growth (it basically equates to throwing a tantrum). I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, took a breath, and with tears rolling down the corners of my eyes, I prayed. I put on "Everything" by Tim Hughes, because in that moment, that song was all I could think about. I let the lyrics become my prayer. It was all I honestly wanted to say, and all I could bear to muster. 

As the chorus rang out with, "Christ in me, the hope of glory," that was all I wanted to want. I have been chasing a lot of everything and have become tired and weary. But all this time, I've known that my rest lies with Christ. I had been finishing Philippians, and just in this moment decided to keep reading into Colossians. I came to Colossians 1:27:

"27 To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

I thought to myself how fitting this was that I should hear the song, then be led to this. God gave me a moment to reflect on how blessed I have been in being given an opportunity to know Him. I had a moment now to be real with Christ. Before going to the phone (and texting my friends), going to the throne. 

In my pain, Christ in me, the hope of something greater than this earth, keeps me sane. Christ in me the hope of glory keeps me from falling off the deep end, by reminding me that He is greater, and He must become greater in me. A mystery has been revealed to me, that I did not earn, a great privilege and grace - Christ. 

Whenever you face the crap of life, take a moment to breathe, stop, and use the time to get personal with Jesus. Instead of worshipping your emotions, worship God. Those moments either become emotional tantrums, or opportunities for great growth and maturity. 

The Good, the Bad and the Glory.

Finally, had my convocation ceremony this past Monday. I had never really considered myself "graduated" until I had walked across the stage. It was a great day. I especially appreciated seeing most of my classmates again, before parting ways for what will probably be a good long while.

I honestly cannot believe how far I've come in this life. I remember the days when I was transitioning from elementary school to middle school, middle school to high school, and high school to university. At each transition point I was terrified. Scared to make the change, wishing Jesus would come back so I wouldn't have to live through such drastic change and unknown. When I think back, through it all, God took care of me. He provided me with all the friends, and circumstances necessary to grow me and to make it through these periods of life. I owe so much to Him, the good but especially the bad. 

The Christian I am today is because of God's provisions and the personal decisions I had to make. It's a combo. With every mistake and circumstance, I have learned a bit more about who God is, and what it means for Him to be glorified. 

I spent a long time not really getting what it meant to "glorify God". It's just one of those Christianese sayings that gets worked into your vocabulary, and you say it because that's just what you say. "Glorifying God" is what all Christians should do, it's what we're supposed to say and do, you know? I think it comes to a point where we say it so habitually that it starts to mean less and less to us.

Glorifying God is not solely about God getting the credit for something. God is not obsessed about credit and getting all the "good feels". The glory of God spoken about in the Bible is more about His character. The glorification of God is, from what I have come to understand, the revealing and display of His true, great knowledge or control. 

When God is glorified, it's like His character bleeds out of us. When God is glorified, it's as if His character is so evident and unrestrained and displayed, it is so undeniably Holy, and righteous, loving, that it is so undeniably God. All God has ever desired is that people come to know Him, and come to be reconciled to Him through this. What better way to do it than for people who love and serve Him, to put His very character on display in their lives through all circumstances? 

In another boat, while we find God so "easily glorified" in all the good, while He gets "credit" for all the good He has done, is He not also responsible for all the bad? In human error, we can only blame ourselves, evidently. God allows people to make mistakes, an individual's choices will always be up to him/herself. Crime happens, hurts happen, disasters happen. What is committed by humans, humans have to own up to, but that does not mean God is no less in control. People often forget that just because humans have the power to make poor choices, that does not mean God has made a mistake. Circumstances are always within His control:

5 I am the Lord, and there is no other,
    besides me there is no God;
    I equip you, though you do not know me,
6 that people may know, from the rising of the sun
    and from the west, that there is none besides me;
    I am the Lord, and there is no other.
7 I form light and create darkness,
    I make well-being and create calamity,
    I am the Lord, who does all these things. (Isaiah 45:5-7)

The point being made here is that the LORD is the Lord. He's in charge, He allows or does not allow troubles or disasters, and He brings good, as He desires. Everything according to plan, nothing beyond His knowledge. 

He is Lord, and I am thankful He has more than one role and occupation, as He is also a Redeemer. In the midst of evil, and calamity, God can redeem anything. He has the ability and power to turn the bad to good. All He does, He does with great love and understanding, He's seen and done it all. 

God has done so much for you and I. I cannot deny that He is good. Even in the midst of the pain and suffering I have endured in my own life, I cannot deny that everything He intended was for good. The way things happen to us are the ways that will always work best. It's individualized and unique. Through it all, it's in us to just glorify Him; it's a deep seated desire that God be known, that His real character be shown. I almost want to say that I like it when times get rough, and when things seem impossibly bad, because in the end, you come out of it only saying, "I could not have survived this, or seen the end of the tunnel, had it not been for Him." 

The glory of God is important, it is vital in the process of knowing Him, and becoming more and more like Him. God cares about people, He cares about a relationship to be restored. The Glory of God is all about that; that He be known, in order that reconciliation would happen. That's a big deal.  

The Raging War

Mornings...

I woke up this morning with my thoughts consumed with worry, anxiousness and concerns over things I could not control. It was tiring and discouraging to have these thoughts weighing on my heart. The war that wages in my thoughts about such things is constant at times. I sway from saying "Yes God, this is in your hands, You've got this, it's Good," to "Why God? Why can't you just help me figure out some way to make this work out the way I want it to?".

Doubtless this is the war waging in the heart and mind of every Christian, moment by moment. 

The solution always seems to simple. We see the bar to which we can attain peace, joy, and rest, and yet we struggle to get there. We know the good we ought to do, but we fail to do it. The mind is a powerful thing, and submitting those thoughts to God is a tough process. I do not have any permanent solutions to this ongoing battle within the heart and mind; no formula to make it stop, or to make it any less painful and trying. All that comes to my mind, whenever I need my thoughts to be saved and the chaos to be stilled is prayer. 

We are all control freaks. For me, it's in my mind where I struggle; I long to hold on to certain thoughts and ideas that give an illusion of control, but really have no benefit and in turn, they keep me from feeling or functioning optimally. These thoughts keep me unsubmissive to God, and leave me in doubt of His goodness. 

Prayer is ultimately submission. Submission that changes your heart. It's willful submission to God's presence and power. In prayer, we come to a place where we desire for our unyielding hearts to be softened and transformed into ones that submit and desire what our Beloved desires. 

Today's conversation looked something like this:

"Why do I care so much about these things? Things that should not matter more that You. Relationships do not matter more than You, money does not matter more than You, God, and yet here I am, trying to get it all together, but still weighed down by both. How do I give them up? When I look to You, they're supposed to become lesser in light of You, why aren't they yet?"

God stirred my heart. 

"I don't want to care about these things anymore. I just want You. I just want to want You, in all the honesty I can muster. Just help me to do this, because I'm not sure how." 

There was a heart change happening as I spoke and reflected. In my transparency, there was a working of God's Spirit in me. 

There is no sense in being anything less than transparent before God. Although He sees right through us, He desires for us to come and learn to submit to Him through prayer. Prayer is not only for us to give requests, but to acknowledge and realize in our hearts and minds, the sovereign and almighty character of God and to submit to his lordship. 

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6)