Taking a breath.

It feels like I've been walking through a thorn bush lately. Not literally, because that would be awful. I've been getting pricked and annoyed by a lot of things, but it hasn't just been annoyance. There's been anger, paranoia, sadness, loneliness, jealousy and the like. I've been plagued by scenarios that just seem to get at me and challenge me spiritually. It's not that everything has become a spiritual challenge or battle, they always have been, I've just finally started seeing them more as training grounds. 

I sat around wallowing. Something happened, yet again, to set me off on a self-reflection tangent. No details necessary. The most important thing was knowing that while I was reflecting, I knew I had a choice. I could weep over the circumstance, do something stupid, text my friends all my woes, let myself get over-emotional and explode in hurt and feels, OR fall into gracious arms, express my emotions on a level head to an ever-waiting God, who has all the grace and patience in the world to help me understand the situation, and grow. 

I was inclined to chose the latter, and I did. Trust me, the first option is always extremely tempting, but also not exactly good for me and my spiritual growth (it basically equates to throwing a tantrum). I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, took a breath, and with tears rolling down the corners of my eyes, I prayed. I put on "Everything" by Tim Hughes, because in that moment, that song was all I could think about. I let the lyrics become my prayer. It was all I honestly wanted to say, and all I could bear to muster. 

As the chorus rang out with, "Christ in me, the hope of glory," that was all I wanted to want. I have been chasing a lot of everything and have become tired and weary. But all this time, I've known that my rest lies with Christ. I had been finishing Philippians, and just in this moment decided to keep reading into Colossians. I came to Colossians 1:27:

"27 To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

I thought to myself how fitting this was that I should hear the song, then be led to this. God gave me a moment to reflect on how blessed I have been in being given an opportunity to know Him. I had a moment now to be real with Christ. Before going to the phone (and texting my friends), going to the throne. 

In my pain, Christ in me, the hope of something greater than this earth, keeps me sane. Christ in me the hope of glory keeps me from falling off the deep end, by reminding me that He is greater, and He must become greater in me. A mystery has been revealed to me, that I did not earn, a great privilege and grace - Christ. 

Whenever you face the crap of life, take a moment to breathe, stop, and use the time to get personal with Jesus. Instead of worshipping your emotions, worship God. Those moments either become emotional tantrums, or opportunities for great growth and maturity. 

You're not Superman.

I was Skyping with a good friend of mine this week. She's been living in a beautiful European country, studying her Masters. That would sound like the dream situation for anyone, and for her I'm sure it is. God made it clear that He wanted her there. But moving to a new country, with few connections and having to find and then build into a community from scratch is tough. You face huge challenges when you move and make big changes.

Needless to say, when we Skyped, she shared with me the ever continuing challenges and trials she had been undergoing. It's hard when you're miles away from your support system. 

Here I sit, on my side of the world, in the comfort and security of my family and friends, supported by my close ties to my community. I was feeling thankful as I thought about how blessed I was to have this as I faced my own challenging situations here. I knew my friend felt isolated, and lacking in a strong supportive community.

As we further discussed the trials and lessons God was taking her through, it all seemed overwhelming. She sounded confused, and just wanted some clarity and answers. I found myself asking the same questions that had been running through her head: "For what purpose did God place her here?", "What did He want her to do? What direction did she need to take?" "Was God going to transform her situation somehow? Was He going to save the day?"

I wanted to help her. I wanted to be able to give her some comfort and truth in her times of struggle. My thoughts raced as I tried to figure out some form of solid truth of God to give to her. What should I say? "Keep praying and trusting God. Keep seeking God's will and walking according to His Spirit." Okay. But she's already doing all this, isn't she? While saying these truths is probably good to voice, it didn't feel good enough or complete. If I had said those things without understanding why she should, it would be completely empty. 

I stepped back to think about what I had been learning. Learning to walk according to the Spirit no matter what, and allowing His leading to take over has been huge for me these past few months. As I reflected, I realized that I didn't have to try to find a solution to her problems. She too did not have to seek a solid solution to end her problems. 

The most important thing about any situation I have been in is realizing the transformation that God desires to work in us through these experiences. Let the specifics of the problem fade, and let Jesus take center focus. In all circumstances and challenges God wants to transform us. Our problems will not be resolved by our own thinking or the solutions we come up with, but by God's leading and will. It may not seem like the problems get "resolved" at all, at least not in our time, but the main thing is serving God, and Him transforming us at every turn.  

You don't have to be Superman and try save the day, because you're not. I could not do or say anything to help my friend solve her problems, and if she tried to find a solution to her situation she would probably find herself exhausted. In the end it comes down to resting our thoughts on God, transforming every storm and desert into an opportunity to draw closer to Him, and to be changed by Him. As we do this, He will bring about resolution. God will teach us reliance, endurance and perseverance and in the end, we will know Him even more and have come even closer to Him. 

"Keep praying, and seeking God's will and walking according to His Spirit...because He is using these times to refine you. He wants to transform you. Let the specific problems fade out, and learn complete reliance on Him." 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not lean on your own understanding.

 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make straight your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) 

In all ways, walk according to God's leading. Let God and His will in you - which is at all costs to serve and be made more like Him - be a constant thought and desire in your head and heart. God desires to cultivate in us complete reliance, to refine us and burn away all the impurities. 

What's the point of prayer?

That thorn though.

"7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

When I was 7, I remember praying to God and asking him for sunny weather in the summer so I could go swimming in the sunshine. If it was cloudy out, I would ask Him to clear up the clouds and open the skies so the rays could heat up the pool. 

Looking back on the past 13 years of my life, I find my prayer life has been like that a lot. All that's changed since then was that I desire the will of God. However, until 3 years ago, I prayed with a mindset that prayer was to "get things done". To me, and I dare say most people, we see prayer as a means to accomplish things. We ask God through prayer to know His will and for His will to be done, with an attitude of "get 'er done". "I need to pray for certain things so that God makes things happen." 

What if prayer is actually not just about that?

What if the point of prayer was not to accomplish tasks, but rather to transform you, to accomplish God's will, which is that?

And that is in fact the case. 

I'm not perfect. I do quite often miss the point of prayer myself. But all this is not to say that you shouldn't ask God for things, no no, please do so. He asks us to. God asks us to "ask, seek and knock" to know His will, that "His kingdom come and His will be done." When you can pray like that, you know that there's big changes happening within you. You know the Spirit of God is renovating your life. 

When we pray, we often have an agenda. We want the will of God, but we have things we hope for Him to accomplish in accordance with His will. Fair enough, this is true. But Jesus also shows us that prayer itself is the greater work. Prayer is meant to accomplish the will of God, which is to transform you to be more like Himself, more like Christ. 

So when we pray, the attitude shifts. Instead of asking God to (for example) "Take away suffering and pain", either for ourselves, or someone else, we ask God in the attitude of "Your will be done" and "May You transform me in this, that I would say, Your will be done in me." As a result, your focus is no longer so much on "Get this done, do this.." but more on, "How is God transforming me through this situation?" 

Much like Paul. He started off asking: "God, take this thorn away." But as he prayed, and as he sought God's will and heard God's answer, he was changed. God showed him the purpose of the thorn, and in turn, Paul praised God for it; he praised God for His grace and goodness in this. 

Prayer in itself is the working of Christ in you, it is a result of redemption. 

To quote Oswald Chambers: 

"Prayer does not equip us for greater works— prayer is the greater work."

Small thoughts, big practices: Humility

Truthfully, you are your own worst enemy; I am my own worst enemy. 

I'm not going to try to spin it into something inspirational such as: "Work with yourself not against yourself!! :D :D!!" And while I could very well say that, the reason why we fight ourselves so often is pride. It's the prideful you that needs to get knocked down a few levels. 

Working into humility is no cake walk either. Philippians, while inspiring, paints a difficult picture for Christians to follow: 

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Phil. 2:3-4) 

Definitely not my strong suit. So how do I get there, where do I start? The verse that comes to my mind is this:

"But by the grace of God I am what I am..." (1 Corinthians 15:10).

Paul learned humility in his growing relationship with Christ. 

Paul knew where he came from and who he was before Jesus, and he knew who he was now being transformed into because of Jesus. Humility is born out of knowing and living in the grace of God. 

Knowing the amazing grace of God comes from knowing God. Living in the grace of God is a daily exercise of your freewill; choosing to live a life of constant worship, in conscious knowledge that your every moment and breath is a gift of grace. 

Humility is not putting myself down, it is not saying that one person is more worthy than me. Humility says "God is great, and I have infinite value and worth because of who He is." It is seeing the worth that God has given to each person who is a part of the body of Christ, and saying the same about them. 

How do I consider others more significant than myself? What Paul says in Philippians is not to consider yourself as insignificant in comparison with others, but to put the needs of others before yourself. As C.S Lewis puts it: "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but rather thinking of yourself less."  It is in God's love and grace in which I desire to love others and consider their needs more significant than my own; when I see how much God treasures others and gifts them, I in turn treasure them and am humbled by the grace He shows them. 

Delving deeper into the character of God, focusing on Him and experiencing His constant grace humbles me. 

Desiring God humbles me, it is spurred on by the Spirit of God within me; I desire to do anything for Him and I so desperately desire to be transformed into the character of Christ that He so desires in me.

Doing the Impossible [Part 2]: "I'm in love with a man.."

Now what?

3 months ago I finished school. I was preparing to get out into the world, to get a job, see a different city and meet new people. In my mind that was the plan, tentative, but still the plan. I was really contemplating finish up my time in Ottawa, tying up loose ends and preparing to search for work elsewhere. 

I felt like my faith needed new hurdle, and I was hungry for a challenge. I desperately wanted big spiritual growth.

I think I prayed about it. I'm definitely sure I did because I remember asking God a whole lot for growth and direction. All I got was silence for a few days, but I was waiting patiently, or trying to. 

A few days later, the answer came in the form of a person. Someone who had been burned by community, or the lack of. I felt God stirring the word in my heart. 

Community. 

Over the time that passed in December, He opened my eyes to more people, more lonely and hurting individuals. My plans to move away had unraveled as I felt called to use my "free-time" (which also doubled as job-hunting time) to attempt to connect on a deeper level with people who thirsted for community. 

I could not do this alone. Community is not built out of the power or desire of just one individual. As the time passed, more and more it seemed that the lack of community had long been stirring in the heart of the faithful few who had been consistently praying over the church community at Cedarview. 

There is progress. God is on the move, and He always is. Lately I feel like I've been on the edge of a tidal wave; I've been sensing that God is going to make huge changes at Cedarview and the surrounding community. It's the feeling of being on the cusp of something unfathomable. It starts with me, and it starts with you. 

The Spirit, Community and Love.

Last entry I talked about how I had learned and was still learning about two things:

1. Community & the body of Christ

2. Walking in and according to the Spirit of God

And now I was being mentored specifically in Love. 

Community and the body of Christ does not exist apart from God's Spirit's leading and God's love. There are many other components to community that I'm sure I'll learn about, but for now this is where I am at. 

Love must be God centered and God powered. 

It's true what everyone says: we must choose to love. If we only loved when we felt like it, that would nullify the definition of love altogether. But as I said last time, trying to love people to God's standard is impossible for me to do. I burn out, I get impatient and I get angry when I try and fail. 

You love according to the Spirit of God in you. That's the only way Jesus did it, that's the only way Jesus did anything; he lived life perfectly by and in the Spirit of God: 

“I can do nothing on my own. As I hear, I judge, and my judgment is just, because I seek not my own will but the will of him who sent me." (John 5:30)

The love that God expects us to give to others cannot not come from within ourselves, it must originate from God: 

"..and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." (Romans 5:5)

Apart from God we'll find that our efforts fall short, and we will inevitably burn out. It's like pouring out from a limited supply. Service must arise from an overflow of love. Jesus poured himself out for others constantly, serving them. His supply never ran dry, simply because he drew it from God. 

When God's love is poured into us by His Spirit, we become able to love the way He loves others. We must lay down and sacrifice our desires in order to desire Christ above all, and so become devoted to Him and His interests. 

When you're so devoted and in love with someone, you'd do anything for them. The same goes with Jesus. Paul was a prime example of that. He loved and was so devoted to Christ that all he wanted was to love others and lead them to Jesus. He poured out his life in service in order that they might be drawn to Christ. All that Paul ever did attracted people to Jesus and never to himself:

"I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls.." (2 Corinthians 12:15)

“I have become all things to all men, that I might by all means save some..” (1 Corinthians 9:22). 

The point Paul is making is this: in order to love people to God's fullest standard, we must learn to love Christ first. 

I don't know what I was doing before, but it wasn't true love. I look back and realize I didn't know how to love Christ and in turn I could not love or serve others to the fullest. 

I don't say this to beat down or demean whatever service and ministry I have done in the past. I say all this to understand how the love I thought I was offering still was not good enough, it still wasn't love. Love that God gives to people is so much greater, it is purely sacrificial and selfless to the core. I offered love, but it was still so very tainted. I cannot say I have ever become a doormat for people out of love for Christ, as Paul did. 

Jesus even put aside the weariness of the disciples, in order to love the people in need:

 "When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things." (Mark 6:34)

He knew that their need for God, their need for salvation was greater than any other need, and he loved and gave himself fully for these crowds of people. 

Our community of believers exists by the Spirit's power and leading. It exists as individuals within the community desire Christ above all, and so love each member in order to draw each person to Christ moment by moment. In turn, the community body comes together united in its love for Jesus, to draw others to Himself. 

A heart devoted to Christ is devoted to His interests and His loves: the glory of God and people.