Do you see what I see?

I am a sucker for optical illusions. It just so happens that this one serves to illustrate something important. So is it a rabbit? Or a duck? If you're trying to be clever you'll say it's both. In any case, you'll probably want to decide if it's one or the other. Either way, you have two perspectives.

I had a chance to get away this weekend to a nature resort out by Belleville and Peterborough. It was a nice retreat from the craziness of life and the city..or so I thought. I would never be able to escape the wreckage and insanity of my own head. My brain is an awful place, it is a headache day after day. I must strive daily to keep it under God's reign and in a stable place of peace. (I must clarify that I am not insane, or going insane, but rather I am always thinking. Always, and it can be maddening.) 

This weekend I had a lot on my mind. I would think and stress about certain people, and scenarios, all of them beyond my control. In every situation, I struggle to relinquish "control" by not thinking about certain things. When you get stressed over something you're thinking about, it's because you're trying to control it by thinking about it. At least, that's how it works in my case. Some things I had thought I had let go of had come back to haunt me recently, and the thoughts were relentless this weekend. 

I took time after dinner to just sit by the lake and pour my heart out before God. I was at my limit, and the thoughts were overwhelming. It didn't help that I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before. My brain felt like it was going to explode. 

These are my most unfiltered moments. This is the side of me no one will ever get to see. In these moments, they are as personal as I will ever get with God or anyone. I become completely broken and raw. When I pray and meet with God in these times, I am as honest about everything with Him as possible. 

I told Him about how frustrated I was, how doubtful I was that all this discipline (Hebrews 12) was worth it. I wasn't sure that anything was worth it at all. I wasn't sure what the sufficient grace, and goodness of God in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 meant for where I was at. I expressed how defeated I was. I could quote 2 Corinthians 12:9 to myself backwards and forwards. I could easily declare how God's grace was sufficient and His power made perfect in my current weakness, but what good is it when you are in utter suffering, and have no idea what that passage truly looks like? Anyone can quote scripture to someone else or even to their own self when there are trials and pain, but to understand the truth behind it takes so much more. 

I was pretty desperate to hear God's answer. "I know this discipline is for my good, for righteousness sake but why? Is it worth it? Why did you have to let all this happen this way? When will it end? Why do I have to care so much about things I am striving so hard to not care about?"

I paused, and He responded to me in a few ways. First, a friend's text, reminding me that 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, is not about focusing on getting over the pain, or being pain/suffering-free as the end goal, it is learning to depend on the sufficiency of God. What a blessing it is to lean on a God who does not leave you to suffer needlessly. Then I heard the Lord say to my heart: "I do not do this to cause you harm." I did know this deep down, but I needed to be reminded. He then added that trying not to care about the people or circumstance was not the solution to my suffering. What I needed was to learn to see things from His perspective. And through all this, He flooded me with His peace. I had found my sanity and rest in God. 

Perspective. That word I had mentioned earlier in this entry. In all things, in all this process of pain and suffering God wants me to see things from His perspective. What you focus on shifts your perspective of things. I had been focusing on how I would deal with the painful situations at hand, but very little on how God was using all this to discipline me. I had my mind set on trying to deal with the distractions, instead of the race at hand. Had I been fully focused on God, I would have kept in mind His view of things, His perspective on the people and the situation. God solidified His words to me by giving me Oswald Chamber's Utmost entry for Monday. God's goal for us lies in the process. The training happens now, not later, and the preparation and discipline we endure is the goal in itself. This is what Hebrews 12 is all about.

When you set your focus on God, He provides you with His perspective, which is always good and trustworthy. This is all a part of training and being disciplined by God. 

Training for the race.

Winter, the only time I find running pleasant.

I've been heavily emphasizing training and running a spiritual race lately. I think it must be that I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that I'm actually in a race. When you finally realize what's up, it kinda helps. I can now purposefully work towards something, to put the blinders on, to get to work, and train hard. There is a perspective shift, from temporal to eternal. 

If you ever needed encouragement in a time of struggle and adversity, read Hebrews 12. I can't even begin to explain how amazing that chapter is. The first two verses set the tone:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

It's like Philippians 3:13 all over again. Anything we do, whether it be entering the rest of God, or striving to run the race, takes leaving things behind. It takes work to give up the junk and burdens we cling to so desperately. But we absolutely have to give up the baggage and dead weight in order to run and rest when needed (Hebrews 4:10-11). We have a goal and purpose to accomplish. Between you and God, there's no room for idols. If you've ever wondered what you truly worship in your life, ask yourself what it is your thoughts rest on whenever you have downtime. What is it your thoughts go to without fail?

The challenges and obstacles we encounter in the race are all necessary to train us, to discipline us. Christ is "the founder and perfecter of our faith," and so, we know that we haven't earned our "sonship". We have been accept and adopted as sons and daughters, therefore we ought to act in obedience, and we can also expect to be disciplined as such. Discipline turns our gaze to God, and fosters in us righteousness and holiness. Faith is refined and perfected through discipline.

"12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed." (Hebrews 12:12-13)

Mistakes happen, sometimes we trip up, but that's what discipline is for. The key is in learning from the mistakes, and accepting the correction from discipline. The other side of discipline is in enduring, and lifting your head up even when the going is tough and feels tiring. When we submit to discipline, not only do we run properly (to avoid injury), but we prevent re-injury, allowing healing from our failures to occur the right way. We are then ready to handle the next hurdle. 

If there's one crucial thing I've realized this past week, it's that with each hurdle, I have been left with no choice but to trust God. Full surrender, and submission to godly discipline makes us realize that we would not even dare to trust in anything else, because the best option is and will always be God's way. 

Taking a breath.

It feels like I've been walking through a thorn bush lately. Not literally, because that would be awful. I've been getting pricked and annoyed by a lot of things, but it hasn't just been annoyance. There's been anger, paranoia, sadness, loneliness, jealousy and the like. I've been plagued by scenarios that just seem to get at me and challenge me spiritually. It's not that everything has become a spiritual challenge or battle, they always have been, I've just finally started seeing them more as training grounds. 

I sat around wallowing. Something happened, yet again, to set me off on a self-reflection tangent. No details necessary. The most important thing was knowing that while I was reflecting, I knew I had a choice. I could weep over the circumstance, do something stupid, text my friends all my woes, let myself get over-emotional and explode in hurt and feels, OR fall into gracious arms, express my emotions on a level head to an ever-waiting God, who has all the grace and patience in the world to help me understand the situation, and grow. 

I was inclined to chose the latter, and I did. Trust me, the first option is always extremely tempting, but also not exactly good for me and my spiritual growth (it basically equates to throwing a tantrum). I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, took a breath, and with tears rolling down the corners of my eyes, I prayed. I put on "Everything" by Tim Hughes, because in that moment, that song was all I could think about. I let the lyrics become my prayer. It was all I honestly wanted to say, and all I could bear to muster. 

As the chorus rang out with, "Christ in me, the hope of glory," that was all I wanted to want. I have been chasing a lot of everything and have become tired and weary. But all this time, I've known that my rest lies with Christ. I had been finishing Philippians, and just in this moment decided to keep reading into Colossians. I came to Colossians 1:27:

"27 To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

I thought to myself how fitting this was that I should hear the song, then be led to this. God gave me a moment to reflect on how blessed I have been in being given an opportunity to know Him. I had a moment now to be real with Christ. Before going to the phone (and texting my friends), going to the throne. 

In my pain, Christ in me, the hope of something greater than this earth, keeps me sane. Christ in me the hope of glory keeps me from falling off the deep end, by reminding me that He is greater, and He must become greater in me. A mystery has been revealed to me, that I did not earn, a great privilege and grace - Christ. 

Whenever you face the crap of life, take a moment to breathe, stop, and use the time to get personal with Jesus. Instead of worshipping your emotions, worship God. Those moments either become emotional tantrums, or opportunities for great growth and maturity. 

Forget and not slow down

I've been feeling mopey lately. Sluggish, heavy-hearted, wearied and a tad confused. So maybe a bit more than just mopey. Call it woes of the heart, or whatever you will. I'm frustrated. As with every other Christian, I know where I want to be, but I'm not there. I come to this place often, where I see how I want my relationship with God to be, but it's not there. Usually this is because I'm worried about other things (this time, relationships), and I'm bored of the habits of devotional times. Habits are good, discipline is healthy, but for me, I don't like it when it becomes the same pattern. God is different and ever changing, so the way we devote time to Him can be just as diverse and special, and it should be. Relationships are dynamic things and thrive with creativity. 

When things become "boring", and "patterned" with God, my mind wanders, and I become vulnerable to my cruxes.

I've been hung up on the relationship thing again. It's my main crux, my Kryptonite. I'm in a place where I feel confused about some things and some people. Then I realize I've been devoting too much head space to it all, worrying about finding someone to be with. God at the center, and putting Him first would balance everything else out, but it's hard to consistently trust in that, I'm forgetful, and weak. All I want is to have Jesus as the center, to pursue Him at all costs, always putting Him first. 

I cried to God about it all on my way to work. I mourned my current state of idolatry on relationships. I cried out to God, and He answered me. 

First, He gave me the day's Utmost entry. I was reminded me to rely on no one else but Himself. I must follow through and continue to deliberately commit to Him, because He's trustworthy and good.

Then He gave me this: 

I had NO idea the Relient K song was a reference to Philippians 3:13. I had never looked up the meaning behind the lyrics. When I saw this show up in my newsfeed, I looked up Philippians 3 to refresh my memory on what it was about. 

The first half of Philippians 3 (3:1-11 ESV) is entitled: Righteousness Through Faith in Christ and the other half (3:12-21 ESV), Straining Toward the Goal. Again, reminding me to rely on God alone, not on myself, and to set my sights on the race, keeping focused on the prize. 

"13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)

When you compare the lyric: "I'd rather forget and not slow down," to the passage, it works. Although it is an interpretation, I still love the whimsy and determination expressed in it. Paul's words reminded me of this: to leave behind the faults and mistakes I have made, the idols I have carved out of ignorance and selfishness, and then to strive ahead. Not slowing down to look back. Not slowing down to give myself time to think about the past. I needed to forget the relationships that were functioning only as distractions, and to fight to run the race. 

Ironically the day this all happened (Wednesday), I was teaching hockey players a workshop on Focus. Christians are running a race, and we cannot focus on anything else except the race and the prize at the end. If you look back for a second, or lose focus for a moment, it slows you down, and you waste energy. You only have enough full attention for one thing, so make sure you're setting your whole heart on the right thing and the right One. 

Lost and Found

8 “Or what woman, having ten silver coins, if she loses one coin, does not light a lamp and sweep the house and seek diligently until she finds it? 9 And when she has found it, she calls together her friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost.’ 10 Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” (Luke 15:8-10)

If you have ever lost something, I'm sure some of you know the feelings of desperation, urgency and angst you get into when you're hopelessly searching for the item. You go through a roller coaster of emotions. I usually start the ride calm and collected, and as time goes on, and I become a little more frustrated, I transform. My searching becomes more and more desperate, as I become upset and slightly crazed. Prayers come rushing out of my mouth, following the lines of, "Lord please please please please please PLEAAAASSSSSUH, help me to find _______. It's really important to me. I know you know where it is, just point me in the right direction PLEASEEEE." 

This happened to me the other week. I had "lost" (misplaced) my precious gear ring. I frantically searched high and low, blurting out many prayers of desperation, determined to find it. It's a $170 ring, and a gift from my best friend, so of course I want to find it. I also like to believe I have given myself slight OCD, so if something is on my mind that I've lost, I have to find it RIGHT NOW, and I'll drop whatever important thing I'm doing just to find the object in that instant. I'll admit, it's a problem better left to discuss for another time. 

Pretty much what I was doing.

As I rabidly searched around my room, the parable of the lost coin kept prodding my mind. I kept thinking, "Yeah yeah, this is like the woman who lost her coin and looked for it until she found it. And when she found it, she was uber happy and told everyone. The difference is, I haven't found my ring yet and I've looked EVERYWHERE. God, WHY? Please just please help me to find it. It's important to me.." My patience was at its absolute limit. I went back to look in the place where I put all my rings and jewelry, and it was in a bag, hanging from my necklace stand. Relief. Rejoicing. Praise. Humility. 

I always go through this cycle. I lose something, I search and go crazy, then I am humbled because I was again, freaking out for nothing. Now that I had found my precious possession, I sat down to think about why the parable of the lost coin was relevant, aside from the situations being the same. 

I know a lot of "lost" people. I know a lot of people who aren't Christians, or people who came to faith and just dropped it later in life because they felt they didn't need God, or somehow came to believe that He doesn't exist. I thought about them, and I thought about how desperately I had been praying to find my ring. I honestly pray more intensely, urgently and fervently for lost objects than I do for my lost friends. Sad, no?

The lost people in our lives are more precious, and surely more worthy of our prayers than the objects we may lose on a regular basis. If I put so much effort into searching for a ring, and making sure God hears my pleas for my ring to be found, should I not put in more effort into making sure that I lift up my lost friends, and minister to them with as much intensity? 

A very important attitude for a servant of God is labouring love. To me that is practiced in seeking out and loving the lost with great passion and fervor. And when the lost are found, the Master rejoices.