Forget and not slow down

I've been feeling mopey lately. Sluggish, heavy-hearted, wearied and a tad confused. So maybe a bit more than just mopey. Call it woes of the heart, or whatever you will. I'm frustrated. As with every other Christian, I know where I want to be, but I'm not there. I come to this place often, where I see how I want my relationship with God to be, but it's not there. Usually this is because I'm worried about other things (this time, relationships), and I'm bored of the habits of devotional times. Habits are good, discipline is healthy, but for me, I don't like it when it becomes the same pattern. God is different and ever changing, so the way we devote time to Him can be just as diverse and special, and it should be. Relationships are dynamic things and thrive with creativity. 

When things become "boring", and "patterned" with God, my mind wanders, and I become vulnerable to my cruxes.

I've been hung up on the relationship thing again. It's my main crux, my Kryptonite. I'm in a place where I feel confused about some things and some people. Then I realize I've been devoting too much head space to it all, worrying about finding someone to be with. God at the center, and putting Him first would balance everything else out, but it's hard to consistently trust in that, I'm forgetful, and weak. All I want is to have Jesus as the center, to pursue Him at all costs, always putting Him first. 

I cried to God about it all on my way to work. I mourned my current state of idolatry on relationships. I cried out to God, and He answered me. 

First, He gave me the day's Utmost entry. I was reminded me to rely on no one else but Himself. I must follow through and continue to deliberately commit to Him, because He's trustworthy and good.

Then He gave me this: 

I had NO idea the Relient K song was a reference to Philippians 3:13. I had never looked up the meaning behind the lyrics. When I saw this show up in my newsfeed, I looked up Philippians 3 to refresh my memory on what it was about. 

The first half of Philippians 3 (3:1-11 ESV) is entitled: Righteousness Through Faith in Christ and the other half (3:12-21 ESV), Straining Toward the Goal. Again, reminding me to rely on God alone, not on myself, and to set my sights on the race, keeping focused on the prize. 

"13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)

When you compare the lyric: "I'd rather forget and not slow down," to the passage, it works. Although it is an interpretation, I still love the whimsy and determination expressed in it. Paul's words reminded me of this: to leave behind the faults and mistakes I have made, the idols I have carved out of ignorance and selfishness, and then to strive ahead. Not slowing down to look back. Not slowing down to give myself time to think about the past. I needed to forget the relationships that were functioning only as distractions, and to fight to run the race. 

Ironically the day this all happened (Wednesday), I was teaching hockey players a workshop on Focus. Christians are running a race, and we cannot focus on anything else except the race and the prize at the end. If you look back for a second, or lose focus for a moment, it slows you down, and you waste energy. You only have enough full attention for one thing, so make sure you're setting your whole heart on the right thing and the right One.