I am a sucker for optical illusions. It just so happens that this one serves to illustrate something important. So is it a rabbit? Or a duck? If you're trying to be clever you'll say it's both. In any case, you'll probably want to decide if it's one or the other. Either way, you have two perspectives.
I had a chance to get away this weekend to a nature resort out by Belleville and Peterborough. It was a nice retreat from the craziness of life and the city..or so I thought. I would never be able to escape the wreckage and insanity of my own head. My brain is an awful place, it is a headache day after day. I must strive daily to keep it under God's reign and in a stable place of peace. (I must clarify that I am not insane, or going insane, but rather I am always thinking. Always, and it can be maddening.)
This weekend I had a lot on my mind. I would think and stress about certain people, and scenarios, all of them beyond my control. In every situation, I struggle to relinquish "control" by not thinking about certain things. When you get stressed over something you're thinking about, it's because you're trying to control it by thinking about it. At least, that's how it works in my case. Some things I had thought I had let go of had come back to haunt me recently, and the thoughts were relentless this weekend.
I took time after dinner to just sit by the lake and pour my heart out before God. I was at my limit, and the thoughts were overwhelming. It didn't help that I had only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before. My brain felt like it was going to explode.
These are my most unfiltered moments. This is the side of me no one will ever get to see. In these moments, they are as personal as I will ever get with God or anyone. I become completely broken and raw. When I pray and meet with God in these times, I am as honest about everything with Him as possible.
I told Him about how frustrated I was, how doubtful I was that all this discipline (Hebrews 12) was worth it. I wasn't sure that anything was worth it at all. I wasn't sure what the sufficient grace, and goodness of God in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 meant for where I was at. I expressed how defeated I was. I could quote 2 Corinthians 12:9 to myself backwards and forwards. I could easily declare how God's grace was sufficient and His power made perfect in my current weakness, but what good is it when you are in utter suffering, and have no idea what that passage truly looks like? Anyone can quote scripture to someone else or even to their own self when there are trials and pain, but to understand the truth behind it takes so much more.
I was pretty desperate to hear God's answer. "I know this discipline is for my good, for righteousness sake but why? Is it worth it? Why did you have to let all this happen this way? When will it end? Why do I have to care so much about things I am striving so hard to not care about?"
I paused, and He responded to me in a few ways. First, a friend's text, reminding me that 2 Corinthians 12:8-10, is not about focusing on getting over the pain, or being pain/suffering-free as the end goal, it is learning to depend on the sufficiency of God. What a blessing it is to lean on a God who does not leave you to suffer needlessly. Then I heard the Lord say to my heart: "I do not do this to cause you harm." I did know this deep down, but I needed to be reminded. He then added that trying not to care about the people or circumstance was not the solution to my suffering. What I needed was to learn to see things from His perspective. And through all this, He flooded me with His peace. I had found my sanity and rest in God.
Perspective. That word I had mentioned earlier in this entry. In all things, in all this process of pain and suffering God wants me to see things from His perspective. What you focus on shifts your perspective of things. I had been focusing on how I would deal with the painful situations at hand, but very little on how God was using all this to discipline me. I had my mind set on trying to deal with the distractions, instead of the race at hand. Had I been fully focused on God, I would have kept in mind His view of things, His perspective on the people and the situation. God solidified His words to me by giving me Oswald Chamber's Utmost entry for Monday. God's goal for us lies in the process. The training happens now, not later, and the preparation and discipline we endure is the goal in itself. This is what Hebrews 12 is all about.
When you set your focus on God, He provides you with His perspective, which is always good and trustworthy. This is all a part of training and being disciplined by God.
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