You're not Superman.

I was Skyping with a good friend of mine this week. She's been living in a beautiful European country, studying her Masters. That would sound like the dream situation for anyone, and for her I'm sure it is. God made it clear that He wanted her there. But moving to a new country, with few connections and having to find and then build into a community from scratch is tough. You face huge challenges when you move and make big changes.

Needless to say, when we Skyped, she shared with me the ever continuing challenges and trials she had been undergoing. It's hard when you're miles away from your support system. 

Here I sit, on my side of the world, in the comfort and security of my family and friends, supported by my close ties to my community. I was feeling thankful as I thought about how blessed I was to have this as I faced my own challenging situations here. I knew my friend felt isolated, and lacking in a strong supportive community.

As we further discussed the trials and lessons God was taking her through, it all seemed overwhelming. She sounded confused, and just wanted some clarity and answers. I found myself asking the same questions that had been running through her head: "For what purpose did God place her here?", "What did He want her to do? What direction did she need to take?" "Was God going to transform her situation somehow? Was He going to save the day?"

I wanted to help her. I wanted to be able to give her some comfort and truth in her times of struggle. My thoughts raced as I tried to figure out some form of solid truth of God to give to her. What should I say? "Keep praying and trusting God. Keep seeking God's will and walking according to His Spirit." Okay. But she's already doing all this, isn't she? While saying these truths is probably good to voice, it didn't feel good enough or complete. If I had said those things without understanding why she should, it would be completely empty. 

I stepped back to think about what I had been learning. Learning to walk according to the Spirit no matter what, and allowing His leading to take over has been huge for me these past few months. As I reflected, I realized that I didn't have to try to find a solution to her problems. She too did not have to seek a solid solution to end her problems. 

The most important thing about any situation I have been in is realizing the transformation that God desires to work in us through these experiences. Let the specifics of the problem fade, and let Jesus take center focus. In all circumstances and challenges God wants to transform us. Our problems will not be resolved by our own thinking or the solutions we come up with, but by God's leading and will. It may not seem like the problems get "resolved" at all, at least not in our time, but the main thing is serving God, and Him transforming us at every turn.  

You don't have to be Superman and try save the day, because you're not. I could not do or say anything to help my friend solve her problems, and if she tried to find a solution to her situation she would probably find herself exhausted. In the end it comes down to resting our thoughts on God, transforming every storm and desert into an opportunity to draw closer to Him, and to be changed by Him. As we do this, He will bring about resolution. God will teach us reliance, endurance and perseverance and in the end, we will know Him even more and have come even closer to Him. 

"Keep praying, and seeking God's will and walking according to His Spirit...because He is using these times to refine you. He wants to transform you. Let the specific problems fade out, and learn complete reliance on Him." 

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

    and do not lean on your own understanding.

 

In all your ways acknowledge him,

    and he will make straight your paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) 

In all ways, walk according to God's leading. Let God and His will in you - which is at all costs to serve and be made more like Him - be a constant thought and desire in your head and heart. God desires to cultivate in us complete reliance, to refine us and burn away all the impurities. 

What's the point of prayer?

That thorn though.

"7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:7-9)

When I was 7, I remember praying to God and asking him for sunny weather in the summer so I could go swimming in the sunshine. If it was cloudy out, I would ask Him to clear up the clouds and open the skies so the rays could heat up the pool. 

Looking back on the past 13 years of my life, I find my prayer life has been like that a lot. All that's changed since then was that I desire the will of God. However, until 3 years ago, I prayed with a mindset that prayer was to "get things done". To me, and I dare say most people, we see prayer as a means to accomplish things. We ask God through prayer to know His will and for His will to be done, with an attitude of "get 'er done". "I need to pray for certain things so that God makes things happen." 

What if prayer is actually not just about that?

What if the point of prayer was not to accomplish tasks, but rather to transform you, to accomplish God's will, which is that?

And that is in fact the case. 

I'm not perfect. I do quite often miss the point of prayer myself. But all this is not to say that you shouldn't ask God for things, no no, please do so. He asks us to. God asks us to "ask, seek and knock" to know His will, that "His kingdom come and His will be done." When you can pray like that, you know that there's big changes happening within you. You know the Spirit of God is renovating your life. 

When we pray, we often have an agenda. We want the will of God, but we have things we hope for Him to accomplish in accordance with His will. Fair enough, this is true. But Jesus also shows us that prayer itself is the greater work. Prayer is meant to accomplish the will of God, which is to transform you to be more like Himself, more like Christ. 

So when we pray, the attitude shifts. Instead of asking God to (for example) "Take away suffering and pain", either for ourselves, or someone else, we ask God in the attitude of "Your will be done" and "May You transform me in this, that I would say, Your will be done in me." As a result, your focus is no longer so much on "Get this done, do this.." but more on, "How is God transforming me through this situation?" 

Much like Paul. He started off asking: "God, take this thorn away." But as he prayed, and as he sought God's will and heard God's answer, he was changed. God showed him the purpose of the thorn, and in turn, Paul praised God for it; he praised God for His grace and goodness in this. 

Prayer in itself is the working of Christ in you, it is a result of redemption. 

To quote Oswald Chambers: 

"Prayer does not equip us for greater works— prayer is the greater work."

Moments

Most of us, if not all of us, live one day at a time, moment to moment. 

To me, the most precious and special moments are when I hear God speak, and it may seem like the most trivial thing, but it takes over. Those moments are the ones I treasure the most and remember the most. They make me feel and think differently. There's a contrast from all the other moments I have experienced.

I had a great moment while driving to youth Friday afternoon. I was cruising along, enjoying the warmth of the sun, windows down cold air breezing past my face, when suddenly I started thinking about my church's debt. We have still a ways to go in terms of paying off the building at this point. Where did this come from? I decided to continue on with it and following that thought, I said to God:

 "If you wanted, you could have one member in the church win the lottery, or have some anonymous rich person donate just enough to pay off everything...You could do whatever you wanted in order to pay off this debt and have Cedarview now free to give offerings to serve you in other areas of ministry. But you won't. You could, but you won't. Because I guess that's not part of the plan. There's more to this situation that meets the eye, it's not about money, there's a lot of spiritual growth that comes out of this process.. But wow God, wow are your plans so amazing. Intentional, unfathomable and good."

Now I know one of the first thoughts that would spring to your head is "The lottery is gambling and that's not what God wants us to do. The Bible says so, Leah." Yeah I get that, but all things are a gift of grace and can be used to glorify God. But hold your horses, the lottery isn't the point. If you're focusing on that, then you're missing the whole focus of the story. This was a God moment for me. 

In this moment I was strongly encouraged. God could very well make our lives easier, and give us such a "gift", that we might free up money to glorify Him in other areas. He could provide in HUGE ways. He could miraculously send in tidal waves of money somehow. But He doesn't. And He won't. That all comes back to the goodness of God, and the specific plans He has in mind. He has in mind deeper and better things. 

All this wondering put me in awe of Him. In this moment He showed me a facet of His character. My heart has been changing from a heart of stone to one of flesh. It has gone from being hardened against the Spirit of God, in my old days, to being softened and mold-able; I have been given a heart that is becoming more and more perceptive to God. I know God has been working a great thing in me, because of the space of mind I have that says "Wow yeah, God," as opposed to my old fall back: "No duh."

Never "No duh" people or yourself when it comes to God. There are moments that we say "Obviously, no duh, God does that all the time. It's not shocking to me that He worked that way, or that He is that compassionate. No duh God's that gracious, I knew that all along." Let us never find ourselves saying that to ourselves or to one another. Instead be in awe of what God has done every time.

There are many basic truths that we "No duh" to people and to ourselves. We may know God is good and loving, but then there are moments when it really hits you. Those are special God moments. It's those moments when you start off saying: "Oh yeah Jesus loves me," then in a moment of quietness or some situation, you find yourself saying: "Oh man..whoaaaa Jesus loves me." God makes it a reality to you. Just like Peter:

15 He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” 16 Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” 17 And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 16:15-17, ESV)

Those are the moments not to be shut down with a "Well yeah, what did you expect, no duh." Those moments of revelation have been brought about by God to the specific individual, and are to be marveled at. 

Always seek to be perceptive to God. Seek to listen and to be gracious to one another. Glorify God in all things, and spend those moments with Him. 

Exodus

Typing with a cat around is extremely difficult. I have one currently sitting on my wrist as I attempt to type.

Back to the relevant and the point of this post...

God spoke to me during Jr High (Wednesday night), and I had not expected Him to. I hadn't anticipated hearing anything poignant or so direct from Him, and I don't know why. He's always speaking and always teaching I guess I usually fall into a state of mind where I don't always expect Him to speak so directly. Part of listening and hearing from God is having our own hearts open and aware to things He would be telling us at any given moment and in any situation. 

This time it came as I was leading the girl's small group, and we read from Exodus 16. God has led the Israelites out of Egypt and they have been in the desert some time:

2 And the whole congregation of the people of Israel grumbled against Moses and Aaron in the wilderness, 3 and the people of Israel said to them, “Would that we had died by the hand of the Lord in the land of Egypt, when we sat by the meat pots and ate bread to the full, for you have brought us out into this wilderness to kill this whole assembly with hunger.” (Exodus 16:2-3)

6 So Moses and Aaron said to all the people of Israel, “At evening you shall know that it was the Lord who brought you out of the land of Egypt, 7 and in the morning you shall see theglory of the Lord, because he has heard your grumbling against the Lord. For what are we, that you grumble against us?” 8 And Moses said, “When the Lord gives you in the evening meat to eat and in the morning bread to the full, because the Lord has heard your grumbling that you grumble against him... (Exodus 16:6-8)

It's easy to see the parallels: Egypt is my life before Christ - captive to sin. Now I've got freedom in Christ and the deserts I find myself in change from season to season. This season's desert is unemployment.

The challenge of living through the deserts is learning to trust God. Golly gee! Isn't that earth shattering! Sarcasm aside, look at the Israelites, God has just come and set them free from years upon years of slavery, a true miracle and act of grace and they turn and throw it back in His face. The Israelites declare that they would have rather died in Egypt than have been led into the desert to die. I'm sure we've all done or felt similar things to this. 

There it is, trust issues. We all fall into that at some point in our lives. See what I mean? Do we not regularly face this challenge in trusting that God does not lead us places needlessly or without a plan? No step or action is without purpose or consideration, and each step is planned out of God's goodness and love. 

I know that there are situations where I do fail at trusting in the goodness of God, and worry and wonder at whether or not I will make it out of this desert alive. I may not grumble like the Israelites, but I do sometimes forget that God did not lead me to this place unintentionally. 

In spite of the lack of trust, ungratefulness and complaints, God shows His great love for Israel in providing for their needs. He does the same for us. God is true to His character, even though the Israelites still do not get it, He demonstrates His trustworthiness and love to them in a tangible way.   

Through all this, think about your current life situation. Where are you at? Is it a desert, or a land of plenty? Are you trusting in the goodness and purposefulness of God? These are questions worth exploring, to help you step back to see where you stand. Even reading Exodus 16 is enough to help you examine your situation. 

Enjoy the exploration, and happy Thursday!

 

The Response

Last entry I voiced my fears, fears of future pain and suffering, concluding that this arose as a result of my eyes looking to "the right and the left" (Proverbs 4:27). I left that entry asking myself essentially, what my confidence in God was like, where was I placing my faith? Did I really trust in His love for me and His goodness? 

Coming into Saturday night, the topic of the service was about courage. The discussion revolved around living a life filled by the Spirit, and acting in courage as the Spirit enables and leads us. It didn't hit me until now that God was continuing the conversation about my fears and He was trying to teach me the perspective I needed to fully adopt:

God is good and He is faithful. Even though I may not want to endure suffering, I know He treasures me, and seeks only to give and to work in me the best. 

This isn't news to me, but it's definitely something that I've found takes practice upon practice to grasp (much like anything else that involves faith). I feel like I have the memory of a goldfish when it comes to these things. 

In all my suffering, and all my sadness, when I question whether or not it's worth it to believe and obey God when I fear for the future, He is faithful. He is patient. He gently redirects my straying gaze back onto Himself, settles my fears, and we continue on walking together. In the moments where my fears abounded, where I doubted if God was worth it, it never phased Him. These moments of weakness do not shock the Lord or surprise Him. 

In the case of my story, he settled the dust and then spoke gently. He didn't come in a huff to prove Himself to me, He doesn't have to prove Himself to me, He is God, after all. Instead, all He did was come along side me and revealed to me His glory. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Eyes that are fixed on Jesus and the end goal, instead of the hurdles along the way, remember His power, goodness and faithfulness. 

Perfect Love.

The best moments with God occur when I'm at my worst. 

It always happens that I really get a hit of the character of God when I'm sobbing to Him about something painful in my life, as I drive to church (it's only happened 3 times now, I'm not actually as unstable as I sound). The conversations usually run from complete and utter human, man-centered words and thoughts, to a God-centered, God focused and God-inspired turn around. 

I come to great realizations as I pull up to the church, 3/3 times. 

These therapeutic sessions usually take place when something really starts to hurt inside, and I get hyper emotional and excited, and just feel utterly weak and self-focused. They arise when I stop setting my heart on God, and get distracted for a moment, concerning myself with my wants and the situations of others instead of God in all His goodness and splendor. 

This day's issue, I won't go into detail on, but suffice to say was about a form of emotional pain I would inevitably have to endure later on down the road, and I didn't want to have to face it. I wanted to do all I could to ensure I would alleviate the amount of pain that would arise when the day finally came. I cried to God, asking if He would be able to do that, to make that time less painful and straining for me. I feel like I have already endured enough. 

Many people suffer through physical or emotional pain for longer periods of time than I have. I've only been in the painful refining fire for 3 years, some people have been in it for 8 and more. Still I, like anyone else, desire to avoid pain. Don't get me wrong, I know Christ promised us pain and trials, and I do weigh the glory to be revealed from the pain and suffering (that is the hope of glory, Christ revealed in me), but I am also very human. I would seek to endure the least amount of pain possible. Wouldn't you? No one goes out of his/her way to endure trials in order to be refined, Job didn't ask to be put through fire. But I guess when you love God, and live life in complete obedience, the road doesn't get smoother, it gets narrower and very often rougher in spots.

While the words offered in prayer through the tears were exiting my mouth, God was at the same time stirring my heart, He does this faithfully. I always find in instances such as car-cry-prayers (as I like to call them), where I pray out loud with all honesty and transparency, God changes me, He shows me something of Himself. 

I had moved slowly enough through Mark during my devo times to read this (perfect timing), and I was reminded of it as a I drove:

"33 And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. 34 And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.”[d] 35 And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. 36 And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:33-36)

Now, I can't compare the level of suffering or pain that I have yet to experience or am currently experiencing to Christ, but the situation still falls along similar lines. Jesus endured and lived His purpose on this earth perfectly. He lives for will of God - He loves the Father perfectly. 

Much in the same way I am living with the shadow of an inevitable future refining fire of pain, Jesus lived with the knowledge of His inevitable immense suffering. However, he did not live in the shadow of it the way I do. Jesus took on each day for what it was, a new day with new mercies in order to glorify God anew. Yes the suffering and sacrifice were inevitable, He made sure to tell His disciples over and over again of what was going to happen, but it was also obvious that He did not let it "bring Him down" from day to day. He loved the Father so perfectly; He was perfectly submitted. 

I had to step back and look at my life in light of this. In this moment I knew that I wasn't wholeheartedly desiring the glory of God in this area of my life. If anything I was once again so distracted by the temporal desires of my heart, that the end goal of God Himself did not seem like enough. I can't say that this weakness has been completely resolved after this meeting with the Lord, but it certainly made me understand many things about myself, and most importantly about Jesus and His humanity. It's a small step in the direction of sanctification. 

I know I have to really lock eyes on God, and step back and get my vision straight. I need to remember who God is, to know His character. As Jesus loved God so perfectly, and was thus devoted to Him, heart, soul, mind and strength, I look to that example. Jesus put aside His comfort, happiness and personal pains and endured suffering all for the glory of God - that the perfect character of God be revealed to the world, and the world in turn reconciled to Him through Jesus. 

I have these questions welling in my head, challenges to work through and work on:
How much do I trust God? How much do I love Him? How do I love Him? Do I understand the significance of His glory? Am I fully devoted to Him and to what He loves and desires, at the expense of my whole life?

I'll probably be asking myself these questions regularly. In the mean time, while I was having this conversation with God, that MercyMe song "Bring the Rain" came into my head. 

It's all definitely worth thinking on. 

Small thoughts, big practices: Humility

Truthfully, you are your own worst enemy; I am my own worst enemy. 

I'm not going to try to spin it into something inspirational such as: "Work with yourself not against yourself!! :D :D!!" And while I could very well say that, the reason why we fight ourselves so often is pride. It's the prideful you that needs to get knocked down a few levels. 

Working into humility is no cake walk either. Philippians, while inspiring, paints a difficult picture for Christians to follow: 

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." (Phil. 2:3-4) 

Definitely not my strong suit. So how do I get there, where do I start? The verse that comes to my mind is this:

"But by the grace of God I am what I am..." (1 Corinthians 15:10).

Paul learned humility in his growing relationship with Christ. 

Paul knew where he came from and who he was before Jesus, and he knew who he was now being transformed into because of Jesus. Humility is born out of knowing and living in the grace of God. 

Knowing the amazing grace of God comes from knowing God. Living in the grace of God is a daily exercise of your freewill; choosing to live a life of constant worship, in conscious knowledge that your every moment and breath is a gift of grace. 

Humility is not putting myself down, it is not saying that one person is more worthy than me. Humility says "God is great, and I have infinite value and worth because of who He is." It is seeing the worth that God has given to each person who is a part of the body of Christ, and saying the same about them. 

How do I consider others more significant than myself? What Paul says in Philippians is not to consider yourself as insignificant in comparison with others, but to put the needs of others before yourself. As C.S Lewis puts it: "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but rather thinking of yourself less."  It is in God's love and grace in which I desire to love others and consider their needs more significant than my own; when I see how much God treasures others and gifts them, I in turn treasure them and am humbled by the grace He shows them. 

Delving deeper into the character of God, focusing on Him and experiencing His constant grace humbles me. 

Desiring God humbles me, it is spurred on by the Spirit of God within me; I desire to do anything for Him and I so desperately desire to be transformed into the character of Christ that He so desires in me.

Life after school.

How I see my current situation

Life without a scheduled activity is brutal. You think you enjoy life without school, and maybe you do, because you like having "freedom" to do whatever you want. I'll admit that it's nice not having to leave your house to go to campus or school, sit in seat for a couple of hours and listen to someone talk at you as you attempt to learn. However, out of school you also miss the regular human interaction with your peers and friends, the indirect interactions and company of strangers, and routine. 

More often than not I hear people saying they don't like to be controlled by a schedule, but in all reality, I think human beings thrive off of a routine. I find productivity is enhanced when you have a schedule to follow. 

Freedom is pretty bland unless you're doing something productive with it. What's the point of freedom if you're just bumming around without a purpose? Freedom is enjoyed at its best when there are guidelines to direct your time. The best analogy to freedom is playing any form of board game or sport; without rules of some sort a game is just no fun. 

I need a schedule, I need a routine. The feeling of wasting time without having a goal or purpose to work towards is so empty and boring. To me, it's like the equivalent of how I feel after eating McDonalds: crappy and lazy.

My solution every time I come to a point in my life where there's no school or work is to set up some goals. My next step is to create a schedule where each day I do something that contributes to achieving my goals. Focusing my time and creating a schedule helps me accomplish more in a day. 

Sooo, while I look for jobs, I'm hoping to use my time as productively as possible. 

Happy Thursday peeps.

The Raging War

Mornings...

I woke up this morning with my thoughts consumed with worry, anxiousness and concerns over things I could not control. It was tiring and discouraging to have these thoughts weighing on my heart. The war that wages in my thoughts about such things is constant at times. I sway from saying "Yes God, this is in your hands, You've got this, it's Good," to "Why God? Why can't you just help me figure out some way to make this work out the way I want it to?".

Doubtless this is the war waging in the heart and mind of every Christian, moment by moment. 

The solution always seems to simple. We see the bar to which we can attain peace, joy, and rest, and yet we struggle to get there. We know the good we ought to do, but we fail to do it. The mind is a powerful thing, and submitting those thoughts to God is a tough process. I do not have any permanent solutions to this ongoing battle within the heart and mind; no formula to make it stop, or to make it any less painful and trying. All that comes to my mind, whenever I need my thoughts to be saved and the chaos to be stilled is prayer. 

We are all control freaks. For me, it's in my mind where I struggle; I long to hold on to certain thoughts and ideas that give an illusion of control, but really have no benefit and in turn, they keep me from feeling or functioning optimally. These thoughts keep me unsubmissive to God, and leave me in doubt of His goodness. 

Prayer is ultimately submission. Submission that changes your heart. It's willful submission to God's presence and power. In prayer, we come to a place where we desire for our unyielding hearts to be softened and transformed into ones that submit and desire what our Beloved desires. 

Today's conversation looked something like this:

"Why do I care so much about these things? Things that should not matter more that You. Relationships do not matter more than You, money does not matter more than You, God, and yet here I am, trying to get it all together, but still weighed down by both. How do I give them up? When I look to You, they're supposed to become lesser in light of You, why aren't they yet?"

God stirred my heart. 

"I don't want to care about these things anymore. I just want You. I just want to want You, in all the honesty I can muster. Just help me to do this, because I'm not sure how." 

There was a heart change happening as I spoke and reflected. In my transparency, there was a working of God's Spirit in me. 

There is no sense in being anything less than transparent before God. Although He sees right through us, He desires for us to come and learn to submit to Him through prayer. Prayer is not only for us to give requests, but to acknowledge and realize in our hearts and minds, the sovereign and almighty character of God and to submit to his lordship. 

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6)