Perfect Love.

The best moments with God occur when I'm at my worst. 

It always happens that I really get a hit of the character of God when I'm sobbing to Him about something painful in my life, as I drive to church (it's only happened 3 times now, I'm not actually as unstable as I sound). The conversations usually run from complete and utter human, man-centered words and thoughts, to a God-centered, God focused and God-inspired turn around. 

I come to great realizations as I pull up to the church, 3/3 times. 

These therapeutic sessions usually take place when something really starts to hurt inside, and I get hyper emotional and excited, and just feel utterly weak and self-focused. They arise when I stop setting my heart on God, and get distracted for a moment, concerning myself with my wants and the situations of others instead of God in all His goodness and splendor. 

This day's issue, I won't go into detail on, but suffice to say was about a form of emotional pain I would inevitably have to endure later on down the road, and I didn't want to have to face it. I wanted to do all I could to ensure I would alleviate the amount of pain that would arise when the day finally came. I cried to God, asking if He would be able to do that, to make that time less painful and straining for me. I feel like I have already endured enough. 

Many people suffer through physical or emotional pain for longer periods of time than I have. I've only been in the painful refining fire for 3 years, some people have been in it for 8 and more. Still I, like anyone else, desire to avoid pain. Don't get me wrong, I know Christ promised us pain and trials, and I do weigh the glory to be revealed from the pain and suffering (that is the hope of glory, Christ revealed in me), but I am also very human. I would seek to endure the least amount of pain possible. Wouldn't you? No one goes out of his/her way to endure trials in order to be refined, Job didn't ask to be put through fire. But I guess when you love God, and live life in complete obedience, the road doesn't get smoother, it gets narrower and very often rougher in spots.

While the words offered in prayer through the tears were exiting my mouth, God was at the same time stirring my heart, He does this faithfully. I always find in instances such as car-cry-prayers (as I like to call them), where I pray out loud with all honesty and transparency, God changes me, He shows me something of Himself. 

I had moved slowly enough through Mark during my devo times to read this (perfect timing), and I was reminded of it as a I drove:

"33 And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. 34 And he said to them, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch.”[d] 35 And going a little farther, he fell on the ground and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. 36 And he said, “Abba, Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” (Mark 14:33-36)

Now, I can't compare the level of suffering or pain that I have yet to experience or am currently experiencing to Christ, but the situation still falls along similar lines. Jesus endured and lived His purpose on this earth perfectly. He lives for will of God - He loves the Father perfectly. 

Much in the same way I am living with the shadow of an inevitable future refining fire of pain, Jesus lived with the knowledge of His inevitable immense suffering. However, he did not live in the shadow of it the way I do. Jesus took on each day for what it was, a new day with new mercies in order to glorify God anew. Yes the suffering and sacrifice were inevitable, He made sure to tell His disciples over and over again of what was going to happen, but it was also obvious that He did not let it "bring Him down" from day to day. He loved the Father so perfectly; He was perfectly submitted. 

I had to step back and look at my life in light of this. In this moment I knew that I wasn't wholeheartedly desiring the glory of God in this area of my life. If anything I was once again so distracted by the temporal desires of my heart, that the end goal of God Himself did not seem like enough. I can't say that this weakness has been completely resolved after this meeting with the Lord, but it certainly made me understand many things about myself, and most importantly about Jesus and His humanity. It's a small step in the direction of sanctification. 

I know I have to really lock eyes on God, and step back and get my vision straight. I need to remember who God is, to know His character. As Jesus loved God so perfectly, and was thus devoted to Him, heart, soul, mind and strength, I look to that example. Jesus put aside His comfort, happiness and personal pains and endured suffering all for the glory of God - that the perfect character of God be revealed to the world, and the world in turn reconciled to Him through Jesus. 

I have these questions welling in my head, challenges to work through and work on:
How much do I trust God? How much do I love Him? How do I love Him? Do I understand the significance of His glory? Am I fully devoted to Him and to what He loves and desires, at the expense of my whole life?

I'll probably be asking myself these questions regularly. In the mean time, while I was having this conversation with God, that MercyMe song "Bring the Rain" came into my head. 

It's all definitely worth thinking on.